The got at least one wrong. They cross the chinese border to get lost in Hong Kong. Britain is not the only Asylum paradise on earth.
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE THAI BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY DEPORTED AFTER A SPELL IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.
IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY you get: A DRIVERS LICENCE, SOCIAL INSURANCE CARD, MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDISED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.
Good day and welcome to a brand new edition of . . .
'THE ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer..
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Euro star.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel... They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ......
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience . .. .
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - for FREE !
It won't cost you a penny. And . .. .
It could change your life forever.
So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
Activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
Bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless
EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !
Get along to the airport !
Get along to the lorry park !
Get along to the ferry terminal !
Don't stop in Germany or France !
All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
To be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth..
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'
Showing posts with label Joke from Fred. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke from Fred. Show all posts
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Where are the Canadians?
This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.
A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada ..
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada ..
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
Saturday, May 15, 2010
How much is beauty worth?
回答很精辟.增值与?值.??与租用.
年輕漂亮的女孩想嫁個有錢人（金融家的回覆令人拍案叫絕)！
一個年輕漂亮的美國女孩在美國一家大型網上論壇金融版上發表了這樣一個問題帖︰我怎樣才能嫁給有錢人？
我下面要說的都是心裡話。本人 25 歲，非常漂亮，是那種讓人驚艷的漂亮，談吐文雅，有品位，想嫁給年薪 50 萬美元的人。你也許會說我貪心，但在紐約年薪
100 萬才算是中產，本人的要求其實不高。這個版上有沒有年薪超過 50 萬的人？你們都結婚了嗎？我想請教各位一個問題 ——
怎樣才能嫁給你們這樣的有錢人？
我約會過的人中，最有錢的年薪 25 萬，這似乎是我的上限。要住進紐約中心公園以西的高尚住宅區，年薪 25
萬遠遠不夠。我是來誠心誠意請教的。有幾個具體的問題︰
一、有錢的單身漢一般都在哪裡消磨時光？（請列出酒吧、飯店、健身房的名字和詳細地址。）
二、我應該把目標定在哪個年齡段？
三、為什麼有些富豪的妻子看起來相貌平平？我見過有些女孩，長相如同白開水，毫無吸引人的地方，但她們卻能嫁入豪門。而單身酒吧裡那些迷死人的美女卻運氣不佳。
四、你們怎麼決定誰能做妻子，誰只能做女朋友？（我現在的目標是結婚。）
—— 波爾斯女士 ——
下面是一個華爾街金融家的回帖︰
親愛的波爾斯︰我懷著極大的興趣看完了貴帖，相信不少女士也有跟你類似的疑問。讓我以一個投資專家的身份，對你的處境做一分析。我年薪超過 50
萬，符合你的擇偶標準，所以請相信我並不是在浪費大家的時間。
從生意人的角度來看，跟你結婚是個糟糕的經營決策，道理再明白不過，請聽我解釋。拋開細枝末節，你所說的其實是一筆簡單的“財”“貌”交易︰甲方提供述人的外表，乙方出錢，公平交易，童叟無欺。但是，這裡有個致命的問題，你的美貌會消逝，但我的錢卻不會無緣無故減少。事實上，我的收入很可能會逐年遞增．而你不可能一年比一年漂亮。因此，從經濟學的角度講，我是增值資產，你是貶值資產，不但貶值，而且是加速貶值！你現在
25 歲，在未來的五年裡，你仍可以保持窈窕的身段，俏麗的容貌，雖然每年略有退步。但美貌消逝的速度會越來越快，如果它是你僅有的資產，十年以後你的價值甚憂。
用華爾街術語說，每筆交易都有一個倉位，跟你交往屬於「交易倉位（Trading Position）」，一旦價值下跌就要立即拋售，而不宜長期持有 ——
也就是你想要的婚姻。聽起來很殘忍，但對一件會加速貶值的物資，明智的選擇是租賃，而不是購入。年薪能超過 50
萬的人，當然都不是傻瓜，因此我們只會跟你交往，但不會跟你結婚。所以我勸你不要苦苦尋找嫁給有錢人的秘方。順便說一句，你倒可以想辦法把自己變成年薪 50
萬的人，這比踫到一個有錢的傻瓜的勝算要大。
希望我的回帖能對你有幫助。如果你對“租賃”感興趣，請跟我聯系。
—— 羅波．坎貝爾（J‧P‧摩根銀行多種產業投資顧問）——
年輕漂亮的女孩想嫁個有錢人（金融家的回覆令人拍案叫絕)！
一個年輕漂亮的美國女孩在美國一家大型網上論壇金融版上發表了這樣一個問題帖︰我怎樣才能嫁給有錢人？
我下面要說的都是心裡話。本人 25 歲，非常漂亮，是那種讓人驚艷的漂亮，談吐文雅，有品位，想嫁給年薪 50 萬美元的人。你也許會說我貪心，但在紐約年薪
100 萬才算是中產，本人的要求其實不高。這個版上有沒有年薪超過 50 萬的人？你們都結婚了嗎？我想請教各位一個問題 ——
怎樣才能嫁給你們這樣的有錢人？
我約會過的人中，最有錢的年薪 25 萬，這似乎是我的上限。要住進紐約中心公園以西的高尚住宅區，年薪 25
萬遠遠不夠。我是來誠心誠意請教的。有幾個具體的問題︰
一、有錢的單身漢一般都在哪裡消磨時光？（請列出酒吧、飯店、健身房的名字和詳細地址。）
二、我應該把目標定在哪個年齡段？
三、為什麼有些富豪的妻子看起來相貌平平？我見過有些女孩，長相如同白開水，毫無吸引人的地方，但她們卻能嫁入豪門。而單身酒吧裡那些迷死人的美女卻運氣不佳。
四、你們怎麼決定誰能做妻子，誰只能做女朋友？（我現在的目標是結婚。）
—— 波爾斯女士 ——
下面是一個華爾街金融家的回帖︰
親愛的波爾斯︰我懷著極大的興趣看完了貴帖，相信不少女士也有跟你類似的疑問。讓我以一個投資專家的身份，對你的處境做一分析。我年薪超過 50
萬，符合你的擇偶標準，所以請相信我並不是在浪費大家的時間。
從生意人的角度來看，跟你結婚是個糟糕的經營決策，道理再明白不過，請聽我解釋。拋開細枝末節，你所說的其實是一筆簡單的“財”“貌”交易︰甲方提供述人的外表，乙方出錢，公平交易，童叟無欺。但是，這裡有個致命的問題，你的美貌會消逝，但我的錢卻不會無緣無故減少。事實上，我的收入很可能會逐年遞增．而你不可能一年比一年漂亮。因此，從經濟學的角度講，我是增值資產，你是貶值資產，不但貶值，而且是加速貶值！你現在
25 歲，在未來的五年裡，你仍可以保持窈窕的身段，俏麗的容貌，雖然每年略有退步。但美貌消逝的速度會越來越快，如果它是你僅有的資產，十年以後你的價值甚憂。
用華爾街術語說，每筆交易都有一個倉位，跟你交往屬於「交易倉位（Trading Position）」，一旦價值下跌就要立即拋售，而不宜長期持有 ——
也就是你想要的婚姻。聽起來很殘忍，但對一件會加速貶值的物資，明智的選擇是租賃，而不是購入。年薪能超過 50
萬的人，當然都不是傻瓜，因此我們只會跟你交往，但不會跟你結婚。所以我勸你不要苦苦尋找嫁給有錢人的秘方。順便說一句，你倒可以想辦法把自己變成年薪 50
萬的人，這比踫到一個有錢的傻瓜的勝算要大。
希望我的回帖能對你有幫助。如果你對“租賃”感興趣，請跟我聯系。
—— 羅波．坎貝爾（J‧P‧摩根銀行多種產業投資顧問）——
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Story from a Canadian
THE
ANT AND
THE
GRASSHOPPER
This
one is a little different...... Two Different
Versions....
............... Two Different
Morals
OLD
VERSION
The ant
works hard in the withering heat
all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the
winter.
The grasshopper
thinks the ant is
a
fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..
Come
winter, the ant is
warm
and well fed.
The grasshopper
has no food or shelter, so
he
dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE
STORY:
Be
responsible for
yourself!
MODERN
VERSION
The ant works
hard
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and
laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a
fool
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter,
the shivering grasshopper
calls a press
conference and
demands to know why the ant
should be
allowed to be warm and
well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS,
CNN, and ABC
show up to
provide pictures of the
shiveringgrasshopper
next to a
video of the
ant
in his comfortable home with a table
filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp
contrast.
How can
this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed
to suffer so?
Kermit the
Frog appears on Oprah
with the grasshopper
and everybody
cries when they sing,
'It's Not Easy Being Green...'
ACORN
stages a demonstration in front of the
ant's
house
where the news stations film the group singing,
"We
shall
overcome."
Then Rev.
Jeremiah
Wright has the group kneel down to pray to
God for the grasshopper's
sake.
President
Obama
condemns
the ant
and blames
President Bush,
President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the
Pope
for the grasshopper's
plight.
Nancy Pelosi & Harry
Reid exclaim in an interview with
Larry
King
that the ant
has gotten
rich off the back
of the
grasshopper, and both
call for an
immediate tax hike on the ant
to make
him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC
drafts the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper
Act
retroactive to the beginning of
the
summer.
The ant
is fined for failing to hire a
proportionate number of green
bugs
and, having nothing left to
pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green
Czar
and given
to
the
grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the
grasshopper
and his free-loading
friends
finishing up the last bits of the ant's
food while the government house he
is
in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's
old house,
crumbles around them
because the grasshopperdoesn't
maintain it.
The
ant
has disappeared in the snow, never to
be seen again.
The grasshopper
is found
dead in a drug related
incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over
by a gang of
spiders
who terrorize the ramshackle, once
prosperous
and once peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire
Nation
collapses bringing the rest of the
free world with it.
MORAL OF
THE
STORY:
Be careful how you
vote in 2010.
I've
sent this
to you because I believe that you are an ant -
not
a
grasshopper! Make sure
that you pass
this on to other ants. Don't
bother sending
it on to any grasshoppers
because they
wouldn't
understand it, anyway
ANT AND
THE
GRASSHOPPER
This
one is a little different...... Two Different
Versions....
............... Two Different
Morals
OLD
VERSION
The ant
works hard in the withering heat
all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the
winter.
The grasshopper
thinks the ant is
a
fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..
Come
winter, the ant is
warm
and well fed.
The grasshopper
has no food or shelter, so
he
dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE
STORY:
Be
responsible for
yourself!
MODERN
VERSION
The ant works
hard
in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and
laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper
thinks the ant is a
fool
and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter,
the shivering grasshopper
calls a press
conference and
demands to know why the ant
should be
allowed to be warm and
well fed while he is cold and starving.
CBS, NBC , PBS,
CNN, and ABC
show up to
provide pictures of the
shiveringgrasshopper
next to a
video of the
ant
in his comfortable home with a table
filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp
contrast.
How can
this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper
is allowed
to suffer so?
Kermit the
Frog appears on Oprah
with the grasshopper
and everybody
cries when they sing,
'It's Not Easy Being Green...'
ACORN
stages a demonstration in front of the
ant's
house
where the news stations film the group singing,
"We
shall
overcome."
Then Rev.
Jeremiah
Wright has the group kneel down to pray to
God for the grasshopper's
sake.
President
Obama
condemns
the ant
and blames
President Bush,
President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the
Pope
for the grasshopper's
plight.
Nancy Pelosi & Harry
Reid exclaim in an interview with
Larry
King
that the ant
has gotten
rich off the back
of the
grasshopper, and both
call for an
immediate tax hike on the ant
to make
him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC
drafts the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper
Act
retroactive to the beginning of
the
summer.
The ant
is fined for failing to hire a
proportionate number of green
bugs
and, having nothing left to
pay his
retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green
Czar
and given
to
the
grasshopper.
The story ends as we see the
grasshopper
and his free-loading
friends
finishing up the last bits of the ant's
food while the government house he
is
in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's
old house,
crumbles around them
because the grasshopperdoesn't
maintain it.
The
ant
has disappeared in the snow, never to
be seen again.
The grasshopper
is found
dead in a drug related
incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over
by a gang of
spiders
who terrorize the ramshackle, once
prosperous
and once peaceful, neighborhood.
The entire
Nation
collapses bringing the rest of the
free world with it.
MORAL OF
THE
STORY:
Be careful how you
vote in 2010.
I've
sent this
to you because I believe that you are an ant -
not
a
grasshopper! Make sure
that you pass
this on to other ants. Don't
bother sending
it on to any grasshoppers
because they
wouldn't
understand it, anyway
Monday, February 1, 2010
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