Should children witness childbirth?

Here's your answer.

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby...


Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..

Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!"


If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

六個台灣的極品笑話

1... 李登輝、連戰、陳水扁同坐直升機巡視。

李登輝說：如果我丟一千塊下去，撿到那一個人一定很高興。

連戰說： 如果我丟兩張五百元下去，那就有兩個人很高興了。

陳水扁說：如果我丟十張一百元下去，就有十個 人很高興了。

這個時候...駕駛員喃喃自語地說： 何不把自己都丟下去，
讓兩千三百萬人都高興呢？


2... 總統阿扁希望提高自己的聲望，想要發行有自己肖像的郵票.....

發行過了一個多月之後，阿扁想要問看看視察看看銷路如何。

.......阿扁：銷售情形怎麼樣？
郵政總局局長：還算不錯，不過常常有人抱怨黏不牢！

阿扁：怎麼會呢？
阿扁隨手拿了一張郵票，塗了一點口水在郵票背面，便試貼在信封上，

....

阿扁：這樣不是黏得很緊嗎？

郵政總局局長：可是......大家...都把口水吐在正面啊...

3...深夜，阿扁總統要去幫阿珍買夜宵。

結果在路上遇到搶匪...
搶匪拿著槍指 著阿扁說：把身上的錢交出來！

阿扁勃然大怒說：你這什 麼態度？我可是堂堂總統耶！'

搶匪：喔! 那...... 把我的錢還來。

4...某天，總統、五院院長等大官一起參加一個會議，結果發生連環車 禍，送至醫院急救，記者們聞風趕至醫院。

稍久，醫生出 來了，記者忙著問：
醫生！醫生！總統有救嗎？

醫生沮喪的搖 搖頭....總統沒救了...

記者又問：醫生！醫生！
行政院長有救嗎？

醫生又沮喪的搖搖頭...也沒救了...

記者就問：那到底誰有救？

醫生精神一振說：台灣有救了！

5... 有一天陳水扁總統前往某家精神病院視察，所有的病患都站在走廊上高聲歡呼，陳水扁萬歲！陳水扁萬歲！

只有一名病患面無表情，對總統不理不睬。

陳水扁看到了，於是問院長說：
那位病人為什麼不對我歡呼呢？

院長：因為他今天精神非常正常。

6...一輛競選車載 著陳水扁競選團隊開到鄉村去造勢，不幸在山間小路上翻車，
正在農田裡幹 活的老農民看見這情景，就趕到出事å

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -
well-developed and open to trade, especially
for something of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -
cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN



Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.

THE END.

Cantonese joke

逗您開心一下！

(1)
匆匆的把你抱到床上,
慢慢的解開你的褲子,
悄悄的脫掉你的內褲,
柔柔我吻著你的面額,
對你說:..
"寶貝,換個姿勢,來.........

---媽媽給你換條尿片！乖！"
(2)
自從認識了你,
我就已經深深愛上了你!
你那陣陣的幽香,
時刻蕩漾在腦海,
你那火辣的激情時刻在我唇邊回味!


多謝你.....
---大力水手(Papeyes)香辣雞翼 !"
(3)
還記得那個夜晚嗎?
我們面對而坐,
悄悄的一句話沒說,
你瘋狂的摸,
我瘋狂的摸,
就這樣摸了很久,
突然你大叫一聲:
"啊......
--- 清一色,食胡啦!"
(4)
爸爸是一個大傻瓜，一天，他帶著兒子參加親戚的壽宴，
酒席後上了一碟壽桃；怎料小孩不識大體，叫道：
「這個好像是屁股呢！」在座的親戚全都望著小孩，
等著他爸爸怎樣教訓他，怎料，那傻瓜爸爸撕開壽桃，
對小孩說： ......
---「你看！裡面還有大便哩！」
(5)
張經理叫秘書呈公文給老闆， !
「捘鞳下月歐洲有一批訂單，我覺得公司需找人去和他們開會。」
老闆在公文後寫：「Goahead!」
張經理看後叫下屬買機票，而自己則收拾好行李。
出發前被秘書擋著，秘書：「你去哪裡？」
張經理：「去歐洲開會。」
秘書：「老闆同意嗎？」
經理：「他不是在公文寫goahead嗎？」
秘書：「難道你不知老闆英文程度嗎？
他的意見是......
---" 去你個頭呀"！」

(6)That's the funniest!!
正處於熱戀中的亞俊與 Amy本來約好一起去弔祭一位長輩，
但後來兩人因發生爭執，出殯當天，只有亞俊到場。
事後，亞俊感到後悔，便 send SMS 給 Amy 道歉，
怎知Amy看了後，更加憤怒。
原來亞俊的SMS內容是這樣的:
---「親愛的，昨日去殯儀館是想看你的，沒想到看不到你，心中真的
很難過。」

中國文化其實就是吃

謀生叫糊口；工作叫飯碗；

受雇叫混飯；靠積蓄過日子叫吃老本；

混得好的叫吃得開；佔女人便宜叫吃豆腐；

女人漂亮叫秀色可餐；受人重用叫吃香；

受偏愛照顧叫吃小竈；不顧他人叫吃獨食；

沒人理會叫吃閉門羹；有苦難言叫吃啞巴虧；

嫉妒叫吃醋；理解不透叫囫囵吞棗；

理解深刻叫吃透精神；廣泛流傳叫膾炙人口；

收入太少叫吃不飽；負擔太重叫吃不消；

猶豫不決叫吃不準；幹不成叫幹什麽吃的；

負不起責任叫吃不了兜著走！

用來維生的器具叫吃飯傢伙；

嘴先著地而向前仆倒叫狗吃屎；

遇上交通紅燈叫吃紅燈；

警察開罰單叫吃罰單；

員警辦事不力專門吃案子；

惹官非遭人控告叫吃官司；

欺人太甚是吃人；愛管閒事是吃飽了撐著！

「初老」讀完會心一笑

\

「初老」讀完會心一笑

項次前紅色標記者，是我有同感的；「老的朋友們」您有同感的是更多或較少?

發現「初老」這個詞，是在「古田敦也」的部落格，一篇名之為「託大家的福，迎接初老來臨！」

初老，這個詞，真是有趣，但也有很多感觸。年齡就是這麼一回事，

20歲生日的時候，覺得自己老了；

30歲生日的時候，也覺得自己老了；

40歲生日的時候，當然就更老了。

所以30歲的人，回頭看那些20歲的人喊什麼青春不再，不免嘀咕，靠夭啥啦；

而40歲的人，看到那些鬼叫啥30宣言的，也會在心裡幹譙，30歲是有啥好哀怨的啦！
要自己接受老的事實，其實是很殘酷的，但「老」的來勢洶洶，也應該有類似「轉大人」「轉骨」那樣的適應期。

不知不覺，初老的跡象一天一天滲透，外表，心態，生理，心理的，就好像古田敦也形容的，

15年前看「東京愛情故事」的織田裕二，為何過了15年了，還是一樣年初老，其實是有跡可尋的，

譬如……>

01、身旁陸續出現有一堆人喊你「XX哥」「XX姐」，但其實很想叫他們閉嘴>

02、發現同事的年齡與自己的距離從5歲、擴大到10歲，15歲……>

03、開始懷疑比自己年齡大的人，是不是都跑到外星球去了>

04、以前可以唱KTV到天亮，現在只要熬夜一天，就會累一個禮拜>

05、只要坐下來，小腹就有一癱肉>

06、開始注意維骨力和維他命E的行情>

07、躺在沙發看八點檔連續劇會熟睡30分鐘以上>

08、覺得五分埔與路邊攤的T恤都是給紙片人穿的>

09、以前煩惱青春痘，現在煩惱小細紋>

10、除非參加清早晨運的甩手功或廟會朝山活動，否則很難找到比自己年齡大的聚會>

11、對於陌生網友的「我們可以交朋友嗎？」說法，覺得無比愚蠢而沒有耐心

12、認識新朋友的速度與機率逐漸鈍化>

13、對於沒有結論的冗長會議充滿厭惡>

14、越來越覺得專家說法都是唬爛>

15、已經放棄「All YOU CAN E AT」這種吃到飽的把戲了>

16、如果一天沒有吃綠色蔬菜就會覺得身體怪怪的>

17、莫名其妙就會一大早醒過來>

18、逐漸沒有耐心替爛朋友收爛攤了>

19、越來越不喜歡改變「已經習慣的習慣」>

20、很討厭在外面過夜，因為要帶好多東西>

21、不知不覺，隨身攜帶溫水壺和牙線棒>

22、懶得交新朋友的原因，是因為懶得從頭交代自己的人生>

23、越久以前發生的事情越是記得，越近的事情反而容易忘記>

24、總是把「重要的東西」放在「重要的地方」，然後把那個「重要的地方」徹底忘記>

25、覺得自己快要被一堆密碼和一堆遙控器淹沒了>

26、每次看到某某歌手某某影星過世的消息，就要感嘆一次，我們的時代過去了！

27、60頻道以後的電影台播放的舊電影，會忍不住一口氣看完>

28、說你看過「東京愛情故事」，知道完治與莉香，周遭一片嘩然>

29、朋友們離婚的（數量/年度）開始超越結婚的（數量/年度）>

30、對於星座、運勢、紫微斗數、塔羅牌、兩性專家與勵志書，已經沒有感覺

31、對於磁場不對的人，可以毫無牽掛的跟他說再見、再見、再見…>

32、參加告別式的機率比婚禮多，包白包的機會比包紅包的機會多>

33、再也不覺得年輕辣妹是一種天上掉下來的幸福>

34、以前糟蹋身體， 現在被身體糟蹋>

35、開始注意醫藥新聞，譬如銀杏是不是可以預防老年痴呆>

36、對於年輕朋友不讓座這件事情會非常介意>

37、對於手機鈴聲開始感覺不耐煩>

38、逛超市買東西，會注意成分與製造商和賞味期限>

39、對超商的集點活動完全沒興趣>

40、對路邊的NuSkin問卷部隊非常有意見>

41、對詐騙集團開始產生周旋的戰鬥力>

42、逐漸喜歡到傳統市場買菜>

43、最討厭聽到「如果你不怎樣，就不能怎樣」這種威脅>

44、再也不相信政治人物「替鄉親服務」這種屁話>

45、對於百貨公司週年慶已經沒什麼衝刺的慾望了>

46、報紙影劇版報導的明星大部分都不認識>

47、KTV熱門點播排行榜的歌曲完全不會唱>

48、當紅的偶像歌手大部分都不認識>

49、對於RAP一點好感都沒有>

50、枕頭旁邊，電腦鍵盤旁邊，出現一堆萬金油、白花油、綠油精等提神藥方

Butt measurement

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the

Man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big,

I mean reeeally big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the

Grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured

His wife's bottom.

'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him

Off 'What's wrong?' he asks. ..............................

She answers:

'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage'

The rabbi is leaving

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he
was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him
more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave,
because he is so popular.


Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline , stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says,

"If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the
rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy
lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replied "Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help, and he said: "Fuck him."

Western vs Chinese medicine

Sensible Chinese!!

While in China , an Australian man was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom at all.

A week after arriving back home in Sydney , he woke one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, 'I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looked a little perplexed and said: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answered: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screamed in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replied: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.'

The next day the man found a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his penis and proclaimed, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.'

The guy said to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. 'Stupid Australian doctor, always want to operate.. Make more money that way. No need to operate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replied.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!'

Between the legs

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is so very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's Drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Have A Great Day !

Jokes from Silicon Valley

A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away.

But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth.

有個肉販看到有隻狗走進他的鋪子裡吃了一驚，肉販把狗噓走，可是沒多久這隻狗又跑回來，所以他探頭看了一下這條狗才發現狗嘴裡有張小紙條。

He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please? The dog has money in its mouth, as well."

他拿起紙條，紙條上寫著"麻 煩給我12條香腸和一條羊腿，錢就放在狗嘴裡"

The butcher looks inside and there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog.

肉販低頭看了一下，哇！還真的有十塊錢耶！所以他收了錢，把香腸和羊腿放入袋子裡以後再放到狗嘴裡。肉販對這隻狗實在太訝異了，想想又剛好快打烊了，他就決定收攤然後跟著這條狗看看。

So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button.

Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do,
and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

他們沿著路走，來到十字路口的時候這條狗就把袋子放下，跳起來按了行人通行鈕，再叼起袋子耐心地等綠 燈亮起，再行通過這個路口，當然肉販還是緊緊跟著它。

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus.

The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop.

接 下來這條狗來到公車站，開始盯著時刻表瞧。 肉販很震驚這條狗居然懂得舉起左腳來攔車，然後搭上了這台公車！肉販跟著上了車，狗把綁在項圈上的車票秀給車掌看，看到這一幕，肉販就像其他的乘客一樣簡 直要暈倒了。狗狗接著坐在司機旁看著窗外，當下一個站牌出現，它就站起來跑去車掌那兒搖尾巴示意他要下車 了，不等公車完全停妥，它就迫不及待地跳出公車往一間離站牌不遠的房子奔去。

It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surp rised with this, runs up, and stops the guy.

它打開了院子的大鐵門，衝向房門，當它接近那道木門的時候忽然改變主意往花園跑去，它朝向窗戶走去然後用頭去撞它好幾次，然後再跑回房門前等。肉販看到一著彪形大漢開了門，然後開始凌虐這條狗！他打它、踢他、還大聲咒罵它！肉販實在不能忍受這種事，就跑去阻止這傢伙！

"What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!"

To which the guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."

"你它馬的再幹什麼!? 這是一條天才狗耶！我用我的性命擔保它絕對可以上電視！"
這男人就回答肉販："你說它聰明？這是這條笨狗第二次忘了帶鑰匙！"

Moral of the story.....

You may continue to exceed onlookers expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations.

It's a dog's life after all.....

這個故事告訴我們.....
不管你再怎麼拼命，老闆都不會滿足的！
這就是做為一條狗的宿命啊....

True globalization

Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:
Princess
Diana's
death.

Question:
How come?

Answer :

An
English princess
with an
Egyptian boyfriend

crashes
in a French tunnel,
riding in a

German
car

with a
Dutch engine,

driven
by a Belgian

who was
drunk

on
Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you
change the spelling),

followed
closely by

Italian
Paparazzi,

on
Japanese motorcycles,

treated
by an American doctor,
using

Brazilian
medicines.

This is
sent to you by

a
Canadian,

using

American
Bill Gates' technology,

and
you're probably reading
this on your computer,

that
uses Taiwanese chips,
and

a

Korean
monitor,

assembled
by

Bangladeshi or

Chinese

workers

in a
Singapore plant,

transported
by Indian

truck drivers,

hijacked
by Indonesians,

unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen,

and
trucked to you by Mexican illegals.... ..

That, my friends,
is Globalization !

__._,_.___

.

_._,___

Apartment for Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend

The night with her for $500. They did their thing,

And, before he left, he told her that he did

Not have any cash with him, but he would have his

Secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling

The payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had

done, realizing that the whole event had not been

worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check

For $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your

Apartment.. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,

Because when I rented the place, I was under the

Impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately

Returned the check for $250 with the following note:

' Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a

Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you

Know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of

Regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

To fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced

To contact your present landlady

Dining out

Very good. Click here.

你有幾潮？

(藍海寧@香港經濟日報 Sept 9)
>
> 雖然我不是一個潮人，但自問並不落伍，年輕人的玩意也稍懂一二，之不過層出不窮
> 的潮語，真是教我「追到氣咳」。以下十一個潮語名詞，如果你能解釋當中六個或以
> 上的話，那代表你跟年輕人仍能有點溝通。準備好了嗎？
>
> 一、公主病；二、毒男；三、孔雀開屏；四、打邊爐；五、喪拼；六、梅窩；七、攬
> 炒；八、語癌；九、山寨；十、冏；十一、梳爆。
>
> 答案如下：
>
> 公主病 —— 女性極度自我膨脹，病態地恃寵生驕。
>
> 毒男 —— 沉迷於被大眾評為不健康活動（如打機、動漫）的男性。
>
> 孔雀開屏 —— 指男性以魅力去吸引異性，典故源自倪震與城大女生偷情事件。
>
> 打邊爐 —— 一班煙民圍公眾垃圾桶吸煙。
>
> 喪拼 —— 瘋狂購物的意思，shopping 中文之譯音。
>
> 梅窩 —— 歧視別人的意思，典故來自正生書院申請在梅窩開辦戒毒學校而遭當地居民
> 拒絕。
>
> 攬炒 —— 同歸於盡、「累鬥累」的意思。
>
> 語癌 —— 語言表達能力欠佳，更甚於「語病」。
>
> 山寨 —— 由小型工廠所製造、仿製、抄襲的物品，多用作形容內地生產的手機。
>
> 冏 —— 象形字，「冏樣」是指目無表情、不苟言笑之人。「冏樣」的男生即「冏
> 男」。
>
> 梳爆 ——「sorry 到爆」之意，較「sorry 囉」更有誠意的便是「梳爆囉」。
>
> 哈哈，你舉手投降了？還是覺得解釋這些潮語「易過借火」藍海寧有幾潮？我只懂五
> 個上述潮語，那個「打邊爐」真是創意無限，但形容得頗生動鬼馬，令我幾乎笑爆
> 嘴；至於「梳爆」一詞真是教我 O 晒嘴，實在要找機會多跟年輕人接觸，惡補「升
> 呢」（升 level），「梳爆」「梳爆」。
>
>
>
>

Creative puns for your 'educated minds'

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. His Aunt phoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

25. Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat. One got pissed off.

Letter of recommendation

1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without 3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never 4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be 10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be 11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be 12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13 executed as soon as possible. Appendum: The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Top Jokes

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that
he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the
girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from
the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son,
''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The
girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his
father but ended up frustrated because the response was
still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother.
''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that
I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell
you.''

His mother smiling said to him,
''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of
those girls. You're not his son.

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

Top Joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey for you.


Top Joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at the ir local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'


Top Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.


Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
The other says, 'Go home dad you're drunk.'

Spousal humor

Wife "What are you doing?" Husband : "Nothing." Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiry date." ------------------------------ Wife : "Do you want dinner?" Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?" Wife : "Yes or no." ------------------------------- Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?" Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." ; Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?" -------------------------------------------------------- Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden." Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles." Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet." ---------------------------- Son: " Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing." Son: "But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap." ________________________________ A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!" ------------------------------------------------------------ Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning." ------------------------------- A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor