一個叫做大衛的男人在生日時收到一份禮物是一隻鸚鵡
但這隻已長大的鸚鵡
不 但態度很差，還滿口的髒話
開口不是罵人的話，就是說粗話
大衛很努力的想改變這隻鸚鵡的態度
不斷地跟牠說些有禮貌的字眼
放輕柔的音樂.............
反正所有他想到可以給牠一個好榜樣的行為他都做了
但是都沒有用
於是他開始對鸚鵡吼了起來
鸚鵡也吼了回去
他用力搖晃鸚鵡
結果是讓鸚鵡更生氣
而且變得更加粗魯
終於在無可扼抑的憤怒之下
他把鸚鵡 關進了冰箱裡
幾分鐘後他便聽到鸚鵡粗聲大叫、到處亂踢
後來還尖叫了起來，卻立刻就安靜下來
三分鐘之內，他沒再聽到半點聲音
大衛被嚇著了
以為自己可能害死了鸚鵡
便馬上打開冰箱的門
只見鸚鵡很冷靜地走出來
並踏上大衛伸出的手臂
斯文說道：「相信我粗魯的言談和行為必定冒犯了你，我會努力改進我的行為，我真的很抱歉，希望主人您能夠原諒我。」
大衛對於鸚鵡態度上的轉變很是驚異
於是想要問鸚鵡這樣戲劇性的變化是為了什麼緣故的同時
鸚鵡又接著說道：
「嗯~~~我可以請問一下，裡面那隻全身被扒光毛的雞是做了什麼事嗎？」
記得每天要做三件事喔：
第一件：是笑(^_^)
第二件：是微笑(^o^)
第三件：是大笑(^O^)
相信你(妳)會有愉快的一天*^o^*
Showing posts with label Joke from May. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke from May. Show all posts
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
this is your captain speaking
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled... 'For f*#k's sake ... you should see the back of mine!'
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and...... OH, MY GOD!'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled... 'For f*#k's sake ... you should see the back of mine!'
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Copy and paste
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He Said :
"; The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman
who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: " And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later,
a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to
crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a drink.
He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "
The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman
who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke,
the manager finally blurted out "....
and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness,
he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water
Moral of the story:
Don't copy, if you can't paste!
He Said :
"; The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman
who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: " And that woman was my mother!"
Laughter and applause.
A week later,
a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to
crack this very effective joke at home.
He was a bit foggy after a drink.
He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "
The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman
who was not my wife!"
The wife went; "ah!" with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke,
the manager finally blurted out "....
and I can't remember who she was!"
By the time the manager regained his consciousness,
he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water
Moral of the story:
Don't copy, if you can't paste!
4 hours to live
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally,
she agrees, so
they make
love.
About 6
hours later, the
husband
goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you
know I now have
only 18
hours to live.
Could we
please do it one
more
time?'
Of course,
the wife agrees,
and they do
it again.
Later, as
the man gets into
bed, he
looks at his watch
and
realizes that he now has
only 8 hours
left.
He touches
his wife's
shoulder and
asks,
'Honey,
please... just one
more time
before I die.'
She says,
'Of course, Dear,'
and they
make love for the third time.
After this
session, the wife
rolls over
and falls asleep.
Morris,
however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down
to 4 more hours.
He taps his
wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I
have only 4 more hours.
Do you
think we
could...'
At this
point the wife sits
up and
says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to
get up in the morning... you don't.'
-----------
Discussion forum monitored by Tony.
1. Morris is totally wrong.
He should spend some money to make love with the most beautiful lady.
2. He must be using enhancing drugs continuously - it is healthy to do so as he has nothing to lose.
3. Are there anything better to do than sex like all those tasty foods but not healthy to you?
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally,
she agrees, so
they make
love.
About 6
hours later, the
husband
goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you
know I now have
only 18
hours to live.
Could we
please do it one
more
time?'
Of course,
the wife agrees,
and they do
it again.
Later, as
the man gets into
bed, he
looks at his watch
and
realizes that he now has
only 8 hours
left.
He touches
his wife's
shoulder and
asks,
'Honey,
please... just one
more time
before I die.'
She says,
'Of course, Dear,'
and they
make love for the third time.
After this
session, the wife
rolls over
and falls asleep.
Morris,
however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down
to 4 more hours.
He taps his
wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I
have only 4 more hours.
Do you
think we
could...'
At this
point the wife sits
up and
says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to
get up in the morning... you don't.'
-----------
Discussion forum monitored by Tony.
1. Morris is totally wrong.
He should spend some money to make love with the most beautiful lady.
2. He must be using enhancing drugs continuously - it is healthy to do so as he has nothing to lose.
3. Are there anything better to do than sex like all those tasty foods but not healthy to you?
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Drafting Guys over 60
New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've
got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off
to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join
a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day,
leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate
on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that
desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a
while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up
killing some fanatical SOB....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we
put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
stretch.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to
get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning
to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still
hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes,
not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best
years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ......with PMS !!! You think Men
have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them
on border patrol......we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they
can read it.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've
got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off
to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join
a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day,
leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate
on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that
desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a
while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up
killing some fanatical SOB....
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we
put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real
stretch.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to
get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in
combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've
never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning
to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still
hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes,
not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The
last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off
old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best
years are already behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ......with PMS !!! You think Men
have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them
on border patrol......we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they
can read it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Joke for this rainy morning
A Newfoundland farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor,
I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge eighteen-wheeler came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the Fuck would you say?'
In court, the trucking company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor,
I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge eighteen-wheeler came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the Fuck would you say?'
Monday, February 1, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Sex affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM..
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home..
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM..
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home..
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
7%
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, columnist for The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5.. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone..
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17 Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter?".
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business.
29. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
34. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.
It's estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will, forward this with the title '7%'. I'm in the 7%. Remember that I will always share my spoon with you! Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves.
2009 Chrimsas Joke
|
Here's to us
No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
WE ARE AWESOME !!!!
OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF !!!!
To Those of Us Born
1930 - 1979
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.. If you don't read anything else, please
read what he said.
Very well stated, Mr. Leno.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's,
60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes..
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered
with bright colored lead-base paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes,
we had baseball caps
not helmets on our heads.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight.. WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..
No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride them down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's,
no surround-sound or CD's,
no cell phones,
no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms..
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents..
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.
We ate worms and mud pies
made from dirt, and
the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn
to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were..
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
~
The quote of the month is by
Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us...pass this on.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A REDNECK LOVE POEM
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it)
=
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Getting old in FL
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?' ********************************************************** Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.. The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about. ********************************************************** A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?' He replies, 'I lived here years ago.' 'So, where were you all these years?' 'In prison,' he says. 'Why did they put you in prison?' He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.' 'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!' ********************************************************** Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!' The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?' He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.' * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty.' * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 'Just doing what you said, Doc : 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful.'',Morris replied. To which doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!' * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids Life is short! The best things in life are free until the government finds out and taxes it. |
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Chocolate song
| |
Wrong e-mail address
A Minneapolis couple decided t o go to Florida to thaw out during a
> particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
> they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules,
> it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband
> left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down
> the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.. There was a
> computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
> However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
> without realizing his error, sent the email.
>
> Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
> her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
> following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
> messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
> screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
> mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>
> To: My Loving Wife
> Subject: I've Arrived
> Date: October 16, 2005
> I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
> you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
> have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your
> arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing y ou then! Hope your journey is
> as uneventful as mine was.
>
> P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
> particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
> they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules,
> it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband
> left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down
> the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.. There was a
> computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
> However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
> without realizing his error, sent the email.
>
> Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
> her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
> following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting
> messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
> screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
> mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
>
> To: My Loving Wife
> Subject: I've Arrived
> Date: October 16, 2005
> I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
> you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
> have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your
> arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing y ou then! Hope your journey is
> as uneventful as mine was.
>
> P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Miscommunication
In case your screen is not big enough.
A. Holy cow!
B. Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general!
A. But, is it hostile?
B. Horse style, dog style, any style, just suit your style.
A. Oh dear!
B. No deer, run too fast before I can concentrate and penetrate.
A. Holy cow!
B. Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general!
A. But, is it hostile?
B. Horse style, dog style, any style, just suit your style.
A. Oh dear!
B. No deer, run too fast before I can concentrate and penetrate.
| ||
|
12 Italian prists
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.....
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie,
and they were told that anyone whose bell rang
when she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priestsuntil she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.
As she danced,his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...
.......and all the other bells started to ring
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.....
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie,
and they were told that anyone whose bell rang
when she danced in front of them would not be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priestsuntil she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.
As she danced,his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up...
.......and all the other bells started to ring
内地政冶笑話四則
網友傳來幾則內地的政治笑話，具中國特色，具創意，也能引起聯想，笑話如下：
1. 毛主席臨終
毛主席臨終前把鄧小平叫到床邊說：「平平，有件事我放心不下，我擔心黨內有些同志不願跟著你走。」
小平回答：「放心吧，東哥，不願跟我走的我讓他跟你走！」
2. 你進來，我出去
胡錦濤去看毛澤東，拉開水晶棺說：「毛叔，天上沙塵不散、地上污染不斷、北方缺水大旱、南方雪雨泛濫、奧運聖火難看、西藏喇嘛亂竄、官員貪污扯爛、人民暴動千萬、股市一片混亂、黑心商品太爛、港澳不聽使喚、地方政府蠻幹、台灣民主單幹、美帝逼我一戰，我該怎麼辦？」
毛說：「你進來，我出去，嚇死這群王八蛋！」
3. 兩頭牛
話說胡錦濤到農村視察，他想知道人民對黨的忠誠度，就問一位農夫：「如果你有兩畝田地，你願意奉獻其中一畝給偉大的黨嗎？」
農夫答：「噢，是的，我願意。」
胡又問：「如果你有兩幢房屋，你願意奉獻其中一幢給黨嗎？」
農夫答：「是的，我願意。」
胡又問：「如果你有兩部汽車，你願意奉獻其中一部給黨嗎？」
農夫答：「我願意。」
胡又問：「如果你有兩頭牛，你願意奉獻一頭給黨嗎？」
農夫答：「不，我不能。」
胡感奇怪地問：「你既然肯奉獻一畝田、一幢房子、一部車，為甚麼不肯奉獻一頭牛呢？」
農夫說：「因為我真的有兩頭牛啊！」
4. 江澤民是他的司機
江澤民還是國家主席的時候，一天因私外出，嫌司機車開的太慢，催促了好幾次。但因交通擁擠，還是不能讓他滿意。
最後江澤民一把搶過方向盤，把司機推到後面，自己開起來。他一路橫衝直撞，造成一片混亂。
有人打電話向交通局長反映。局長大怒，質問該地段交警。
局長：「看到肇事者沒有？」
警察：「看到了。」
局長：「爲什麽! 不逮捕他？」
警察：「我不敢？」
局長：「爲什麽？」
警察：「他的官很大。」
局長：「有多大？」
警察：「不知道，反正江澤民是他的司機。」
覺得好笑要大聲笑出來，否則會中內傷的！
哈 哈 哈.........
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