Thoughts to ponder

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

4. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

5. IF A DEAF CHILD SAYS SWEAR WORDS IN SIGN LANGUAGE, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

6. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

7. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

8. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

9. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

10. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

11. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

12. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

13. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

14. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

15. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

16. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

17. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

18. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

19. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

20. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

21. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

22. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

23. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL BUT SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

24. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

25. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

26. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

27. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

28. CAN ATHEISTS GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

Woman says 3D porno made her pregnant

Husband claims "anything is possible"



An American woman claims she became pregant after watching a 3D porno.


US military man Erick Jhonson came home from a stint in Iraq to find that his wife was pregnant. Clearly he assumed she had an affair, but his wife Jennifer claims the “other man” was actually someone a little less physical.

It seems he actually buys her story, however. “I see it as suspicious. The films in 3D are very real. With today’s technology, anything is possible,” he said.

What's even more interesting is that both Jennifer and Erick are white, but the child is black. Jeniffer claims the kid looks like the black pornstar she had been ogling. She also claims this was one of the first times she's watched porn and only went with friends for the 3D effect. TechEye did a survey of one person and found 100 percent would say the same thing in a similar situation.

“Even though my husband believed in me, my marriage could be at risk,” Jennifer said. “But he knows I’m faithful.” It just shows you what joining the military does to your head.

Jennifer explained that “a month after watching the movie, I started feeling dizzy and the results were positive.” That must have been one good porno.

3D movies have gained renewed popularity since Avatar, but there have been some concerns raised over how bad they may be for your eyes. Now you'll have to worry about conceiving in the cinema.

You may have jumped when an object in film was thrown at the camera, but now you'll have to be careful of other, far more uncouth things flying at you. TechEye recommends contraception for your next trip to the cinema. You never know.


http://www.techeye.net/internet/woman-says-3d-porno-made-her-pregnant

How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. Philip, the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.


So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honey bunch?' asked the wife.


'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India , etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f*** ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

So, he stayed home............
........and, they lived happily ever after...


Now, isn't that a sweet story?

Happy Anniversery?

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.....

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b***ds should remember fairies are female.....

Fishing with Jack Daniels

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.