>
> 婚姻篇(博君一笑)
>
> 以前提到結婚，想到「天長地久」；
> 現在提到結婚，想到「能撐多久 」。
> 當初會結婚，說是「看上眼」；
> 後來會離婚，說是「看走眼」。
> 婚前，愛情是神話；
> 婚後，愛情是笑話。
> 男人花錢，是為了令女人高興；
> 女人花錢，是因為男人令她不高 興。
> 嫁入「豪門」，要懂得理財；
> 嫁入「寒門」，要懂得生財。
> 以前的人，視婚姻生活為「一輩子」；
> 現代的人，視婚姻生活為 「一陣子」。
> 婚前，男人在餐廳等女人；
> 婚後，女人在客廳等男人。
> 婚前，男人經常找女人「討論」；
> 婚後，男人只告訴女人「結論」。
> 婚前，男人對她悄悄講話；
> 婚後，男人對她大聲講話。
> 戀愛時，情話綿綿；
> 結婚後，謊話連連。
> 戀愛時的男人，喜歡「毛手毛腳」；
> 結婚後的男人，變成「沒手沒腳 」。
> 婚前，情侶做什麼都是「浪漫」；
> 婚後，夫妻做什麼都是「浪費」。
> 想結婚，是自己已能獨立；
> 想離婚，是子女已獨立。
> 婚前的男人，大都很幽默；
> 婚後的男人，大都很沉默。
> 女人的記性，吵架時最好；
> 男人的耐性，結婚後最差。
> 戀愛時，一見面就「親嘴」；
> 結婚後，一見面就「鬥嘴」。
> 婚前，男人常給女人「空白支票」；
> 婚後，男人常給女人「空頭支票 」。
> 戀愛時，生活「妙不可言」；
> 結婚後，日子「苦不堪言」。
> 婚前，男人天天盯著女人；
> 婚後，女人天天盯著男人。
> 熱戀時，總相許下輩子再結良緣；
> 結婚後，懷疑上輩子造作孽緣。
> 大男人，會「作威作福」；
> 好男人，會「作牛作馬」。
> 婚前，「謊話」都是「情話」；
> 婚後，「情話」都是「廢話」。
> 婚前，靠近一點；
> 婚後，閃開一點。
> 婚前，沒話找話說；
> 婚後，有話也不說。
> 「成功」？對男人的定義是指能賺很多的錢，對女人的定義是指能花很多 的錢 。
>
> 男人有錢就變壞，女人變壞就有錢。
> 男人沒有女人，耳根清淨；
> 女人沒有男人，居家乾淨。
> 男人「入錯行」，上班會很痛苦；
> 女人「嫁錯郎」，下班會很痛苦。
> 失戀不見得是世界末日：
> 你的心也許會「泣血」，你的荷包卻可以不再 「吐血」。
>
> 如有同感，請好好的檢討下自己了，
>
> 哈哈 !
Showing posts with label Joke. From Irene.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joke. From Irene.. Show all posts
Friday, March 6, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
笑話一則
應屆生就業形勢越來越嚴峻了！
某公司招聘，幾百大學生爭相報家門：
"我北大"！
"我交大"！
"我浙大"！
"我人大"！
突然一女生響亮聲起："我波大!"
董事長一拍桌："用你了！"
事後，董事長叫該女生到其私人辦公室，關上門窗，拉上窗簾，說：你波大，拿出來看看……
該女生掏出畢業證書…… "寧波大學"
---
Tony: "Hong Kong U" graduates would say "Mine Delicious and Big".
Dear classmates, would you name our female classmates and teachers who graduated from HKU.
The Nimpo elementary graduates did not get the job as s/he shouted, "My Balls Small".
Friday, February 27, 2009
Gift for mom
Mama's Bible...............
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and
lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher
who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty
preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a
year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to
name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
" Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mer cedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Martin, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50
people but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Michael, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
-Luv Ya, Mama
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and
lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher
who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty
preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a
year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to
name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
" Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mer cedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Martin, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50
people but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Michael, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
-Luv Ya, Mama
Fire fighter girl
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the |
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Kids today are smarter...and we were dumber
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. ! ! Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is . . .
TEACHER: No, Millie . . .. Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right . . . 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!
LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!
Senior golf...
Arthur is 95 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
'That's it,' he tells his wife. 'I'm giving up golf.
My eyesight has gotten so bad...
once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.'
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says,
'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.'
'That's no good,' sighs Arthur.
'Your brother is hundred and three years old. He can't help.'
'He may be a hundred and three', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball?'
'Of course I did!' says the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight.'
'Where did it go?' asks Arthur.
'I can't remember.'
He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
'That's it,' he tells his wife. 'I'm giving up golf.
My eyesight has gotten so bad...
once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went.'
His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says,
'Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try.'
'That's no good,' sighs Arthur.
'Your brother is hundred and three years old. He can't help.'
'He may be a hundred and three', says the wife, 'but his eyesight is perfect.'
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball?'
'Of course I did!' says the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight.'
'Where did it go?' asks Arthur.
'I can't remember.'
Jewish sex
> No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an
> orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
> decide to consult their Rabbi.
>
> The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
> the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two
> of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That
> will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
>
> They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
> man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help
> and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
>
> 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man
> make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
>
> Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the
> same strapping young man.*
>
> *The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
> towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has
> an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
>
> The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,*
>
> *'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'*
>
> orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
> decide to consult their Rabbi.
>
> The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes
> the following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two
> of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That
> will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'
>
> They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
> man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help
> and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.
>
> 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man
> make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'
>
> Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the
> same strapping young man.*
>
> *The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
> towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has
> an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.
>
> The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,*
>
> *'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!'*
>
Sunburn
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Golf joke
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision, or a problem that needs to be solved. A man has only 2 balls and they take up all his thoughts. Reply. Without the 2 balls, there is no greatest entertainment on earth and there is no next generation. :) |
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