Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe -
well-developed and open to trade, especially
for something of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past..
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada -
cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by nuts.
THE END.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Be careful on these new area codes
809 Area Code I actually received a call last week from the 809 area code.. The woman said 'Hey, this is Karen .
Sorry I missed you--get back to us quickly. I have something important to tell you.'
Then she repeated a phone number beginning with 809. We did not respond.
Then this week, we received the following e-mail:
Do Not DIAL AREA CODE 809, 284, AND 876
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION PROVIDED TO US BY AT&T. DON'T EVER DIAL AREA CODE 809
This one is being distributed all over the US ... This is pretty scary, especially given the way they try to get you to call.
Be sure you read this and pass it on.
They get you to call by telling you that it is information about a family member who has been ill or
to tell you someone has been arrested, died, or to let you know you have won a wonderful prize, etc..
In each case, you are told to call the 809 number right away. Since there are so many new area codes
these days, people unknowingly return these calls.
If you call from the U.S. , you will apparently be charged $2425 per-minute.
Or, you'll get a long recorded message. The point is, they will try to keep you on the phone as long as
possible to increase the charges. WHY IT WORKS:
The 809 area code is located in the Dominican Republic …
The charges afterward can become a real nightmare. That's because you did actually make the call..
If you complain, both your local phone company and your long distance carrier will not want to get involved and
will most likely tell you that they are simply providing the billing for the foreign company. You'll end up dealing with
a foreign company that argues they have done nothing wrong.
Please forward this entire message to your friends, family and colleagues to help them become aware of this scam.
AT&T VERIFIES IT'S TRUE :http://www.att.com/gen/press-room?pid=6045
SNOPES VERIFIES IT'S TRUE:http://www.snopes.com/fraud/telephone/809..asp
Sorry I missed you--get back to us quickly. I have something important to tell you.'
Then she repeated a phone number beginning with 809. We did not respond.
Then this week, we received the following e-mail:
Do Not DIAL AREA CODE 809, 284, AND 876
THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION PROVIDED TO US BY AT&T. DON'T EVER DIAL AREA CODE 809
This one is being distributed all over the US ... This is pretty scary, especially given the way they try to get you to call.
Be sure you read this and pass it on.
They get you to call by telling you that it is information about a family member who has been ill or
to tell you someone has been arrested, died, or to let you know you have won a wonderful prize, etc..
In each case, you are told to call the 809 number right away. Since there are so many new area codes
these days, people unknowingly return these calls.
If you call from the U.S. , you will apparently be charged $2425 per-minute.
Or, you'll get a long recorded message. The point is, they will try to keep you on the phone as long as
possible to increase the charges. WHY IT WORKS:
The 809 area code is located in the Dominican Republic …
The charges afterward can become a real nightmare. That's because you did actually make the call..
If you complain, both your local phone company and your long distance carrier will not want to get involved and
will most likely tell you that they are simply providing the billing for the foreign company. You'll end up dealing with
a foreign company that argues they have done nothing wrong.
Please forward this entire message to your friends, family and colleagues to help them become aware of this scam.
AT&T VERIFIES IT'S TRUE :http://www.att.com/gen/press-room?pid=6045
SNOPES VERIFIES IT'S TRUE:http://www.snopes.com/fraud/telephone/809..asp
Asylum paradise on earth.
The got at least one wrong. They cross the chinese border to get lost in Hong Kong. Britain is not the only Asylum paradise on earth.
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE THAI BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY DEPORTED AFTER A SPELL IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.
IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY you get: A DRIVERS LICENCE, SOCIAL INSURANCE CARD, MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDISED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.
Good day and welcome to a brand new edition of . . .
'THE ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer..
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Euro star.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel... They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ......
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience . .. .
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - for FREE !
It won't cost you a penny. And . .. .
It could change your life forever.
So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
Activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
Bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless
EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !
Get along to the airport !
Get along to the lorry park !
Get along to the ferry terminal !
Don't stop in Germany or France !
All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
To be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth..
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOUR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE THAI BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE IMMEDIATELY DEPORTED AFTER A SPELL IN THE MONKEY HOUSE.
IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY you get: A DRIVERS LICENCE, SOCIAL INSURANCE CARD, MONEY FROM SOCIAL SECURITY, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDISED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE, FREE EDUCATION AND FREE HEALTH CARE.
Good day and welcome to a brand new edition of . . .
'THE ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,
The British Taxpayer..
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.
Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Euro star.
No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable. All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury £200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel... They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain ......
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.
If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience . .. .
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - for FREE !
It won't cost you a penny. And . .. .
It could change your life forever.
So play today.
Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet
Activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil tigers,
Bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless
EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !
Get along to the airport !
Get along to the lorry park !
Get along to the ferry terminal !
Don't stop in Germany or France !
All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
To be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth..
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'
Where are the Canadians?
This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.
A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada ..
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada ..
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Parking car in BJ
Click here.
From the portable parking space video, I will arrest the violator using by citizen arrest power and keep her in prison for life. It does not show how smart she is, but how relaxed is the law. It would not happen in US, except in movies. Hope it is made for fun, but not real.
From the portable parking space video, I will arrest the violator using by citizen arrest power and keep her in prison for life. It does not show how smart she is, but how relaxed is the law. It would not happen in US, except in movies. Hope it is made for fun, but not real.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Joe Legal and Jose Illegal
You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal".
Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California .
Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.
Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash "under the table".
Ready? Now pay attention...
Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has
$31,231.00.
Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.0 0 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has
$31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now
has $24,031.00.
Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per
year.. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.
Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631 .00.
Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.
Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.
Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month..
Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.
Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.
Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get
a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.
Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.
Do you get it, now?
If you vote for or support any politician that supports illegal aliens...
You are part of the problem!
It's way PAST time to take a stand for America and Americans!
What are you waiting for? Pass it on.
Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California .
Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.
Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash "under the table".
Ready? Now pay attention...
Joe Legal: $25.00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has
$31,231.00.
Jose Illegal: $15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600.00 per week, or $31,200.0 0 per year. Jose Illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has
$31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now
has $24,031.00.
Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per
year.. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.
Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, or $14,400.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $9,631 .00.
Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays out that $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $ 31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.
Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.
Jose Illegal has to make his $31,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month..
Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.
Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.
Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get
a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.
Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.
Do you get it, now?
If you vote for or support any politician that supports illegal aliens...
You are part of the problem!
It's way PAST time to take a stand for America and Americans!
What are you waiting for? Pass it on.
精神病人妙語事例
精神病人妙語事例 1
病人A：「怎麼樣？這本書寫得還不錯吧？」. 病人B：「太好了！真是曠世鉅作。一點廢話都沒有，簡潔有力。不過有一個缺點，就是出場人物太多了！」
謢士：「喂！你們兩個.....快把電話薄放回去。」
精神病人妙語事例 2
有一位精神病院的醫生問患者︰「如果我把你的一隻耳朵割掉，你會怎麼樣？」
患者回答︰「那我會聽不到。」
醫生聽了︰「嗯，那很正常。如果我再把你另一隻耳朵也割掉，你會怎麼樣？」
患者回答︰「那我會看不到。」
醫生開始緊張︰「怎麼會看不到呢？」
患者回答︰「因為眼鏡會掉下來。」
精神病人妙語事例 3
神經病院有一位老太太，每天都穿著黑色的衣服，拿著黑色的雨傘，蹲在神經病院門口。
醫生就想要醫治她，一定要從了解她開始...
於是，那位醫生也穿黑色的衣服，拿著黑色的雨傘，和她一起蹲在那邊。
兩人不言不語的蹲了一個月.....
那位老太太終於開口和醫生說話了：「請...問一下!你...也是香菇嗎?」
精神病人妙語事例 4
一個精神病院的護士看到一個病人在寫信，非常好奇，想去偷瞄，可是病人不給她看。
護士忍不住問︰「給誰寫信啊？ 」
病人回答：「寫給我自己啊！」
護士好奇心更盛，心想：「怎會有人寫信給自己呢？！」
於是又問：「寫些什麼啊？」
病人說：「你神經病啊！！我還沒收到信，我怎麼會知道！」
精神病人妙語事例 5
有兩個精神病患者從病院裡逃出來。
兩人逃跑，爬上一棵樹，
其中一個人從樹上跳下來，在地上滾來滾去，
然後抬起頭對上面的同伴說︰「喂！你怎麼還不下來啊？」
上面的那個人回答他︰「不...行 ....啊！我還未熟透。」
精神病人妙語事例 6
一位病人來找精神科醫生︰「醫生，怎麼辦？我一直覺得我是一隻母雞。」
醫生︰「喔？！那很嚴重呀，怎麼現在才來求醫？」
病人︰「因為最近我的家人在等我生蛋啊！」
精神病人妙語事例 7
一個貨車司機送貨到精神病院，當他卸完貨準備回家時。忽然發現有一個輪子爆胎了。
於是他將那個爆掉的車胎拿下來，正準備換上備胎時。一個不小心，將固定車胎的
四個螺帽掉到水溝裡了，怎麼撿也撿不到。貨車司機不知如何是好。
此時，正好有一個精神病患者經過，就問司機怎麼了？
司機想，反正也沒有別的事可做，於是就把事情經過告訴精神病患者。
精神病患說：「這麼簡單的問題也解決不了，難怪你只能當貨車司機。你只要把剩下的三個車胎各拆一個螺帽下來，裝到第四個車胎上，然後開到最近的修車廠，補上剩下的螺帽就可以了。」
貨車司機敬佩之餘，不禁開口問道：「你這麼聰明，為什麼會住在精神病院？」
精神病患回答：「我住在這裡是因為我有精神病，不是因為笨！」
精神病人妙語事例 8
有一位病人來找精神科醫生：「醫生....怎麼辦？？我一直覺得我是一隻鳥！」
醫生：「喔！？那很嚴重喔！從什麼時候開始的？」
病人：「從我還是一隻小鳥的時候。」
精神病人妙語事例 9
有個神經病在床上唱著歌
唱著唱著就翻了個身
趴在枕頭上繼續唱
主治醫生問他：唱就唱阿!!翻身幹麻????????
神經病說：你很笨內A面唱完....當然要換B面ㄚ=.=
病人A：「怎麼樣？這本書寫得還不錯吧？」. 病人B：「太好了！真是曠世鉅作。一點廢話都沒有，簡潔有力。不過有一個缺點，就是出場人物太多了！」
謢士：「喂！你們兩個.....快把電話薄放回去。」
精神病人妙語事例 2
有一位精神病院的醫生問患者︰「如果我把你的一隻耳朵割掉，你會怎麼樣？」
患者回答︰「那我會聽不到。」
醫生聽了︰「嗯，那很正常。如果我再把你另一隻耳朵也割掉，你會怎麼樣？」
患者回答︰「那我會看不到。」
醫生開始緊張︰「怎麼會看不到呢？」
患者回答︰「因為眼鏡會掉下來。」
精神病人妙語事例 3
神經病院有一位老太太，每天都穿著黑色的衣服，拿著黑色的雨傘，蹲在神經病院門口。
醫生就想要醫治她，一定要從了解她開始...
於是，那位醫生也穿黑色的衣服，拿著黑色的雨傘，和她一起蹲在那邊。
兩人不言不語的蹲了一個月.....
那位老太太終於開口和醫生說話了：「請...問一下!你...也是香菇嗎?」
精神病人妙語事例 4
一個精神病院的護士看到一個病人在寫信，非常好奇，想去偷瞄，可是病人不給她看。
護士忍不住問︰「給誰寫信啊？ 」
病人回答：「寫給我自己啊！」
護士好奇心更盛，心想：「怎會有人寫信給自己呢？！」
於是又問：「寫些什麼啊？」
病人說：「你神經病啊！！我還沒收到信，我怎麼會知道！」
精神病人妙語事例 5
有兩個精神病患者從病院裡逃出來。
兩人逃跑，爬上一棵樹，
其中一個人從樹上跳下來，在地上滾來滾去，
然後抬起頭對上面的同伴說︰「喂！你怎麼還不下來啊？」
上面的那個人回答他︰「不...行 ....啊！我還未熟透。」
精神病人妙語事例 6
一位病人來找精神科醫生︰「醫生，怎麼辦？我一直覺得我是一隻母雞。」
醫生︰「喔？！那很嚴重呀，怎麼現在才來求醫？」
病人︰「因為最近我的家人在等我生蛋啊！」
精神病人妙語事例 7
一個貨車司機送貨到精神病院，當他卸完貨準備回家時。忽然發現有一個輪子爆胎了。
於是他將那個爆掉的車胎拿下來，正準備換上備胎時。一個不小心，將固定車胎的
四個螺帽掉到水溝裡了，怎麼撿也撿不到。貨車司機不知如何是好。
此時，正好有一個精神病患者經過，就問司機怎麼了？
司機想，反正也沒有別的事可做，於是就把事情經過告訴精神病患者。
精神病患說：「這麼簡單的問題也解決不了，難怪你只能當貨車司機。你只要把剩下的三個車胎各拆一個螺帽下來，裝到第四個車胎上，然後開到最近的修車廠，補上剩下的螺帽就可以了。」
貨車司機敬佩之餘，不禁開口問道：「你這麼聰明，為什麼會住在精神病院？」
精神病患回答：「我住在這裡是因為我有精神病，不是因為笨！」
精神病人妙語事例 8
有一位病人來找精神科醫生：「醫生....怎麼辦？？我一直覺得我是一隻鳥！」
醫生：「喔！？那很嚴重喔！從什麼時候開始的？」
病人：「從我還是一隻小鳥的時候。」
精神病人妙語事例 9
有個神經病在床上唱著歌
唱著唱著就翻了個身
趴在枕頭上繼續唱
主治醫生問他：唱就唱阿!!翻身幹麻????????
神經病說：你很笨內A面唱完....當然要換B面ㄚ=.=
不見冰箱不掉淚
一個叫做大衛的男人在生日時收到一份禮物是一隻鸚鵡
但這隻已長大的鸚鵡
不 但態度很差，還滿口的髒話
開口不是罵人的話，就是說粗話
大衛很努力的想改變這隻鸚鵡的態度
不斷地跟牠說些有禮貌的字眼
放輕柔的音樂.............
反正所有他想到可以給牠一個好榜樣的行為他都做了
但是都沒有用
於是他開始對鸚鵡吼了起來
鸚鵡也吼了回去
他用力搖晃鸚鵡
結果是讓鸚鵡更生氣
而且變得更加粗魯
終於在無可扼抑的憤怒之下
他把鸚鵡 關進了冰箱裡
幾分鐘後他便聽到鸚鵡粗聲大叫、到處亂踢
後來還尖叫了起來，卻立刻就安靜下來
三分鐘之內，他沒再聽到半點聲音
大衛被嚇著了
以為自己可能害死了鸚鵡
便馬上打開冰箱的門
只見鸚鵡很冷靜地走出來
並踏上大衛伸出的手臂
斯文說道：「相信我粗魯的言談和行為必定冒犯了你，我會努力改進我的行為，我真的很抱歉，希望主人您能夠原諒我。」
大衛對於鸚鵡態度上的轉變很是驚異
於是想要問鸚鵡這樣戲劇性的變化是為了什麼緣故的同時
鸚鵡又接著說道：
「嗯~~~我可以請問一下，裡面那隻全身被扒光毛的雞是做了什麼事嗎？」
記得每天要做三件事喔：
第一件：是笑(^_^)
第二件：是微笑(^o^)
第三件：是大笑(^O^)
相信你(妳)會有愉快的一天*^o^*
但這隻已長大的鸚鵡
不 但態度很差，還滿口的髒話
開口不是罵人的話，就是說粗話
大衛很努力的想改變這隻鸚鵡的態度
不斷地跟牠說些有禮貌的字眼
放輕柔的音樂.............
反正所有他想到可以給牠一個好榜樣的行為他都做了
但是都沒有用
於是他開始對鸚鵡吼了起來
鸚鵡也吼了回去
他用力搖晃鸚鵡
結果是讓鸚鵡更生氣
而且變得更加粗魯
終於在無可扼抑的憤怒之下
他把鸚鵡 關進了冰箱裡
幾分鐘後他便聽到鸚鵡粗聲大叫、到處亂踢
後來還尖叫了起來，卻立刻就安靜下來
三分鐘之內，他沒再聽到半點聲音
大衛被嚇著了
以為自己可能害死了鸚鵡
便馬上打開冰箱的門
只見鸚鵡很冷靜地走出來
並踏上大衛伸出的手臂
斯文說道：「相信我粗魯的言談和行為必定冒犯了你，我會努力改進我的行為，我真的很抱歉，希望主人您能夠原諒我。」
大衛對於鸚鵡態度上的轉變很是驚異
於是想要問鸚鵡這樣戲劇性的變化是為了什麼緣故的同時
鸚鵡又接著說道：
「嗯~~~我可以請問一下，裡面那隻全身被扒光毛的雞是做了什麼事嗎？」
記得每天要做三件事喔：
第一件：是笑(^_^)
第二件：是微笑(^o^)
第三件：是大笑(^O^)
相信你(妳)會有愉快的一天*^o^*
爆笑中文名
爆笑中文名
聽過一個李素寶...嫁左比個姓"簫"既...即係...
洪梅貴, 周新恆, 羅有大, 吳長大, 吳昭德, 吳美麗, 莫思科, 林花, 郭德雲, 麥生仁, 老來旺, 吳廣德, 畢可宜, 周蕙娟, 鍾樂海, 廖植彪, 柯蘭詩...
當中我覺得最好笑既係"劉比蒂","史塔蓋"
黃嘉嵐--->變綠?
"兩父子, 阿爸叫李杰, 個仔叫李仲杰"
"三兄妹: 游詠富, 游詠依, 游詠慈"... 游世伯, 咁大整古呀!"
上次去台灣某銀行唱台幣...睇一睇櫃面個名牌...
個服務員叫"吳曉郁"...一行六人冇個忍到笑....
我以前個班主任叫"吳樹喜"
我識得一個老師叫"周有松"!
仲有,有冇聽過人叫"陸浩昌, 伍浩昌"?
"陸浩昌先生, 請即到5號窗;伍浩昌先生,請即到6號窗!"
其實, 日文名都可以好好笑，
例如：吉川春代子，菊行條野，金其良美，鹿島條野，條野有次郎....
牛津 = 牛頭角津貼小學
哈佛 = 哈爾濱佛教中學
其實聯婚都好好笑，例如：賴廖聯婚，賴史聯婚
史家有四兄弟, 分別係....史泰龍,史太杰,史太香,史勞仁
有個人姓周, 做了紳士
吳潔芬, 唔......新時代女性，一於同居算。
有次o係商場，有個男人唔見o左個仔，於是就搵Security Guard 幫手, o係商場廣播，話佢爸爸o係門口等佢?
廣播內容係如下："徐家權小朋友，你爸爸徐定富o係門口等你?"
知唔知個「費」字做姓氏果陣讀「秘」音ga...
差人：差人查身分證....叫咩名.....
路人：費密(秘密)
差人：差人做野呀.....咪玩la.....
費密：都話費! 密(? 絞K)咯......
差人：仲玩？！阻差辦公呀.....拎身分證黎！
費密乖乖畀身分證差人.....
差人：哦....原來係費密(廢物丫?).....
費密：唔係呢...係費密丫(秘密)....
差人：費密(廢物)就費密(廢物)la....秘乜鬼密丫.....!!!
神神秘秘咁.....
係就係核突Ｄ......
費密：........-_-#!!!
A:你叫咩名呀?
B:鐘定英(中定英?)
A:中文啦
B:鐘定英呀~~~~
A:咁英文啦~~~~
B:Chong Ting Ying
A:................-_-#!!!
聽過一個李素寶...嫁左比個姓"簫"既...即係...
洪梅貴, 周新恆, 羅有大, 吳長大, 吳昭德, 吳美麗, 莫思科, 林花, 郭德雲, 麥生仁, 老來旺, 吳廣德, 畢可宜, 周蕙娟, 鍾樂海, 廖植彪, 柯蘭詩...
當中我覺得最好笑既係"劉比蒂","史塔蓋"
黃嘉嵐--->變綠?
"兩父子, 阿爸叫李杰, 個仔叫李仲杰"
"三兄妹: 游詠富, 游詠依, 游詠慈"... 游世伯, 咁大整古呀!"
上次去台灣某銀行唱台幣...睇一睇櫃面個名牌...
個服務員叫"吳曉郁"...一行六人冇個忍到笑....
我以前個班主任叫"吳樹喜"
我識得一個老師叫"周有松"!
仲有,有冇聽過人叫"陸浩昌, 伍浩昌"?
"陸浩昌先生, 請即到5號窗;伍浩昌先生,請即到6號窗!"
其實, 日文名都可以好好笑，
例如：吉川春代子，菊行條野，金其良美，鹿島條野，條野有次郎....
牛津 = 牛頭角津貼小學
哈佛 = 哈爾濱佛教中學
其實聯婚都好好笑，例如：賴廖聯婚，賴史聯婚
史家有四兄弟, 分別係....史泰龍,史太杰,史太香,史勞仁
有個人姓周, 做了紳士
吳潔芬, 唔......新時代女性，一於同居算。
有次o係商場，有個男人唔見o左個仔，於是就搵Security Guard 幫手, o係商場廣播，話佢爸爸o係門口等佢?
廣播內容係如下："徐家權小朋友，你爸爸徐定富o係門口等你?"
知唔知個「費」字做姓氏果陣讀「秘」音ga...
差人：差人查身分證....叫咩名.....
路人：費密(秘密)
差人：差人做野呀.....咪玩la.....
費密：都話費! 密(? 絞K)咯......
差人：仲玩？！阻差辦公呀.....拎身分證黎！
費密乖乖畀身分證差人.....
差人：哦....原來係費密(廢物丫?).....
費密：唔係呢...係費密丫(秘密)....
差人：費密(廢物)就費密(廢物)la....秘乜鬼密丫.....!!!
神神秘秘咁.....
係就係核突Ｄ......
費密：........-_-#!!!
A:你叫咩名呀?
B:鐘定英(中定英?)
A:中文啦
B:鐘定英呀~~~~
A:咁英文啦~~~~
B:Chong Ting Ying
A:................-_-#!!!
Illegal immigrats
A lady wrote the best letter in the Editorials in ages!!!
It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.
Her point:
Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress
is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.
Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.
Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.
Let's say I break into your house.
Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.
But I say, 'No! I like it here. It's better than my house. I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).
According to the protesters:
You are Required to let me stay in your house
You are Required to feed me
You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
You are Required to Educate my kids
You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family
My husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest. (except for that breaking in part).
If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.
It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house.
And what a deal it is for me!!!
I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.
Oh yeah, and I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so that you can communicate with me.
Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!
America is populated and governed by idiots.
If you agree, pass it on (in English).
If not blow it off.........
along with your future Social Security funds and a lot of the former benefits of being an American Citizen.
It explains things better than all the baloney you hear on TV.
Her point:
Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress
is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration.
Certain people are angry that the US might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely.
Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.
Let's say I break into your house.
Let's say that when you discover me in your house, you insist that I leave.
But I say, 'No! I like it here. It's better than my house. I've made all the beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept the floors. I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).
According to the protesters:
You are Required to let me stay in your house
You are Required to feed me
You are Required to add me to your family's insurance plan
You are Required to Educate my kids
You are Required to Provide other benefits to me & to my family
My husband will do all of your yard work because he is also hard-working and honest. (except for that breaking in part).
If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my RIGHT to be there.
It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm a hard-working and honest, person, except for well, you know, I did break into your house.
And what a deal it is for me!!!
I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of cold, uncaring, selfish, prejudiced, and bigoted behavior.
Oh yeah, and I DEMAND that you learn MY LANGUAGE!!! so that you can communicate with me.
Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?!
America is populated and governed by idiots.
If you agree, pass it on (in English).
If not blow it off.........
along with your future Social Security funds and a lot of the former benefits of being an American Citizen.
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