Friday, September 25, 2009

Sex, loyalty and righteousness

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put
her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood
of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Apartment for Rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend

The night with her for $500. They did their thing,

And, before he left, he told her that he did

Not have any cash with him, but he would have his

Secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling


On the way to the office, he regretted what he had

done, realizing that the whole event had not been

worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check

For $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your

Apartment.. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,

Because when I rented the place, I was under the

Impression that:

#1 - it had never been occupied;

#2 - there was plenty of heat; and

#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:

#1 - it had been previously occupied,

#2 - there wasn't any heat, and

#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately

Returned the check for $250 with the following note:

' Dear Sir:

#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a

Beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you

Know how to turn it on.

#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of

Regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture

To fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced

To contact your present landlady

Think about it!

Think about this:

1. Cows

2. The Constitution

3. The Ten Commandments



Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during

the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in

Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept

in the state of Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But

they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around

our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.



They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why

don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart

guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.



The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in

a courthouse or Congress is this --you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not

Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a

building full of lawyers, judges and politicians ...... it creates a

hostile work environment.

Dining out

Very good. Click here.



(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor¹s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park.²"
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is " GUS" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M¹s on them.
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape

Lou's on MS

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

Sunday, September 20, 2009


(藍海寧@香港經濟日報 Sept 9)
> 雖然我不是一個潮人,但自問並不落伍,年輕人的玩意也稍懂一二,之不過層出不窮
> 的潮語,真是教我「追到氣咳」。以下十一個潮語名詞,如果你能解釋當中六個或以
> 上的話,那代表你跟年輕人仍能有點溝通。準備好了嗎?
> 一、公主病;二、毒男;三、孔雀開屏;四、打邊爐;五、喪拼;六、梅窩;七、攬
> 炒;八、語癌;九、山寨;十、冏;十一、梳爆。
> 答案如下:
> 公主病 —— 女性極度自我膨脹,病態地恃寵生驕。
> 毒男 —— 沉迷於被大眾評為不健康活動(如打機、動漫)的男性。
> 孔雀開屏 —— 指男性以魅力去吸引異性,典故源自倪震與城大女生偷情事件。
> 打邊爐 —— 一班煙民圍公眾垃圾桶吸煙。
> 喪拼 —— 瘋狂購物的意思,shopping 中文之譯音。
> 梅窩 —— 歧視別人的意思,典故來自正生書院申請在梅窩開辦戒毒學校而遭當地居民
> 拒絕。
> 攬炒 —— 同歸於盡、「累鬥累」的意思。
> 語癌 —— 語言表達能力欠佳,更甚於「語病」。
> 山寨 —— 由小型工廠所製造、仿製、抄襲的物品,多用作形容內地生產的手機。
> 冏 —— 象形字,「冏樣」是指目無表情、不苟言笑之人。「冏樣」的男生即「冏
> 男」。
> 梳爆 ——「sorry 到爆」之意,較「sorry 囉」更有誠意的便是「梳爆囉」。
> 哈哈,你舉手投降了?還是覺得解釋這些潮語「易過借火」藍海寧有幾潮?我只懂五
> 個上述潮語,那個「打邊爐」真是創意無限,但形容得頗生動鬼馬,令我幾乎笑爆
> 嘴;至於「梳爆」一詞真是教我 O 晒嘴,實在要找機會多跟年輕人接觸,惡補「升
> 呢」(升 level),「梳爆」「梳爆」。

Cheap camera

How MIT beats NASA, click here.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The 11th husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband No.1 was a
Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband No.2 was in
Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband No.3 was from
Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband No.4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband No.5 was an
Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband No.6 was from
Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband No.7 was in
Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband No.8 was a
Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband No.9 was a
Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband No.10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. --- God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time
I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Billy Joe's great song

Click here for this great song We Didn't Start the Fire. It really represents the first part of our generation.

Whether you are a Billy Joel fan or not, you probably remember his great song, 'We Didn't Start the Fire.'

Here it is, set to pictures... very, very cool. Had to share this one. It's a neat flashback through the past half century. I never did know the words. Turn up volume, sit back and enjoy a review of 50 years of history in less than 3 minutes! Thanks to Billy Joel and some guy from the University of Chicago with a lot of spare time and Google. Top left gives you full right lets you pause. Bottom left shows the year. The older you are, the more pictures you will recognize. Anyone over age 65 should remember over 90% of what they see. But it's great at any age.

Creative puns for your 'educated minds'

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. His Aunt phoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
25. Two flies were arguing on a toilet seat. One got pissed off.


1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2.. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
Like this: It could be a right number.

13. No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

14. I've reached the age
where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, there will be thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness --- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead!

Always be yourself. Because the people who matter don't mind. And the ones who mind don't matter.

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


In case your screen is not big enough.

A. Holy cow!
B. Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general!

A. But, is it hostile?
B. Horse style, dog style, any style, just suit your style.

A. Oh dear!
B. No deer, run too fast before I can concentrate and penetrate.

12 Italian prists

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.....

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie,
and they were told
that anyone whose bell rang
when she danced in front of them would not
be ordained
because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priestsuntil she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced,
his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the
ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up...

.......and all the other bells started to ring



1. 毛主席臨終



2. 你進來,我出去



3. 兩頭牛











4. 江澤民是他的司機






局長:「爲什麽! 不逮捕他?」








Friday, September 11, 2009

Letter of recommendation

1 Trevor Adams, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Trevor works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Trevor never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Trevor is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Trevor can be
10 classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Trevor be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Appendum: The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.

Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Wonderful technology

Dear All,

This is amazing!!

Go to the following website and try it out:

Wonderful technology ! 好奇妙!!!

Type in a sentence in your selected language and click “say it”. Not only it sounded like real human voice, the mouth synchronized too. Here is the link:

打入一句任何语言句子, 她或他都能說出來。連口型也對上了。請按以下網址試試吧。打入中文句子她或他能用粵語或國語說出來。十分神奇的新科技!

You type -- She or He speaks. She will say anything you type. I surely don't know how they do this!

When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer.

When you write something in the left space and then click on 'Say it,' she says it! (It takes a few seconds for her to "think" first

You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.

Dear All,

This is amazing!!

Go to the following website and try it out:

Wonderful technology ! 好奇妙!!!

Type in a sentence in your selected language and click “say it”. Not only it sounded like real human voice, the mouth synchronized too. Here is the link:

打入一句任何语言句子, 她或他都能說出來。連口型也對上了。請按以下網址試試吧。打入中文句子她或他能用粵語或國語說出來。十分神奇的新科技!

You type -- She or He speaks. She will say anything you type. I surely don't know how they do this!

When you move the mouse around, her eyes follow the pointer.

When you write something in the left space and then click on 'Say it,' she says it! (It takes a few seconds for her to "think" first

You can also change persons doing the talking and the language they speak.

Chinaman for president!


10. White House not big enough for in-laws

9. Engineering, medicine, and law always preferred over politics

8. Oval Office has bad feng shui

7. Can't find decent roast duck inside the beltway

6. Secret service can't handle nagging from mother

5. Dignitaries generally intimidated by chopsticks at state dinners

4. No chance for promotion

3. Lactose intolerance not considered politically correct

2. Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in

1. Air Force One: No frequent flyer miles


Tony adds:

1. No buffet in the white house.

2. Can't use real dog for BBQing hot dog.

3. Can't play Mag Jong after 10 and/or use real money.

4. Can't hit children for their own good.

5. Family value too high.

6. No Hollywood connection.

7. Can't replace the missiles with Kung Fu magic.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

中風徵兆-- 請記住 "STR" 三个字

> 敬愛的親友們:
> 也許您年輕用不到,可是我相信在您身旁一定有人需要這樣的知識。再說,您知道後又可以助人,不是更好嗎?
> 中風徵兆-- 請記住 "STR" 三个字。
> 有個朋友,在一次烤肉聚會當中絆倒了,摔了一跤,旁邊的朋友建議找醫護人員,但她很確定自己沒事,
> 只是穿了新鞋被磚塊絆了一下罷了。

> 她還有點危危顫顫站立不穩的時候,朋友們幫她清洗乾淨,又為她盛了一盤食物,她就跟著大家一起享受。
> 她的先生後來打電話通知大家,她被送到醫院,傍晚六點,就過世了,原因是她在烤肉聚餐的時候中風。
> 如果他們懂得辨識中風的癥兆,她現在也許還跟我們在一起。
> 有些人不會死,但結局處於無助無望的景況中。
> 只需要花一分鐘的時間讀完這篇文章,腦神經外科醫師說,如果他能在三小時之內接觸到中風患者,他就可以將中風的後果完全扭轉過來。
> 訣竅就是辨識診斷出中風的問題,並讓病患在三小時之內接受醫療,而這是很難的。
> 辨識中風!
> 感謝上帝讓我們記住STR
> 三步驟,請閱讀並學習!
> 有時候中風的癥兆很難辨認,不幸的是,缺乏警覺就會帶來災難。
> 辨認不出中風的徵兆,中風患者就會嚴重腦傷。
> 醫生說,旁人只要問三個簡單的問題,就可以辨識中風:
> S:(smile)
> 要求患者笑一下
> T :(talk)要求患者說一句簡單的句子
> (要有條理,有連貫性),例如:今天天氣晴朗。
> R:(raise)
> 要求患者舉起雙手
> 注意:
> 另外一項中風癥兆是:
> 要求患者伸出舌頭,
> 如果舌頭「彎曲」或偏向一邊,那也是中風的徵兆。
> 上面四個動作,患者如果有任何一個動作做不來,
> 就要立刻打911
> !!!並且把症狀描述給接線者聽。
> 心臟科醫師說,收到這封電函的人,若能將它轉寄給10
> 個人,就至少可以救一條命。

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Top Jokes

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that
he wanted to get married.

His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the
girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha, a girl from
the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son,
''I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The

girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''

The young man again brought three more names to his
father but ended up frustrated because the response was
still the same.

So he decides to go to his mother.
''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that
I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell

His mother smiling said to him,
''Don't worry my son, you can marry any of
those girls. You're not his son.

Top Joke in Northern Ireland

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.
'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.
The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.
'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'
The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

Top Joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: 'That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!'
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!'
The man says: 'You go right up there and tell him off, go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey for you.

Top Joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at the ir local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.'
The man then replies: 'Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.'

Top Joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Top Joke in England

Two weasels are sitting on a barstool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams, 'I slept with your mother!'
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!'
The other says, 'Go home dad you're drunk.'