Wednesday, November 25, 2009
1. We state that girls require time and money, so
Girls = Time * Money
2. We all know "time is money", so
Time = Money
Girls = Money * Money
4. Money is the root of all evils.
Money = square root "evil"
Evil = Money * Money
5. From #3. and #4
Girl = Evil
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. Philip, the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'
'Where are you going, ?' asked the wife.
'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'
The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India , etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lollypop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'
He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: , pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'
'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f*** ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'
So, he stayed home............
........and, they lived happily ever after...
Now, isn't that a sweet story?
A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.....
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b***ds should remember fairies are female.....
Once again, we publish the winning submissions to the yearly neologism contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer
the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over
by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly .
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when
you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,
and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high..
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave,
because he is so popular.
Fred Shapiro, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline , stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says,
"If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and
establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his
More sighs and loud applause.
Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the
rabbi stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy
lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"
Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replied "Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help, and he said: "Fuck him."
但 是，最近陳媽媽卻發現，早上慢跑時牙齦會痛，假日和先生去爬山，沒有多久，牙齦也會痛，只好提早回家休息。先生勸她去看牙科，可是陳媽媽從小就怕牙醫，所 以，當她去看她的家庭醫師時，順道告訴醫師最近發生的這些情形。沒想到醫師很謹慎告訴她：「趕快去看心臟專科醫師，請醫師幫您做詳細的檢查。」
注意：心臟病發作期間，可能不會有胸口的痛苦。多數人(大約60%)在他們的睡眠期間心臟病發作，因而沒有醒來。 然而，胸口痛也許會讓您從您的熟睡中醒來。 如果這樣，立刻咬碎二阿斯匹靈在您的嘴中並且與水吞下他們。
之後，給鄰居或居住非常近的家庭成員打電話 -說; " 心臟病發作! 已吞了2顆阿斯匹靈。"
A week after arriving back home in Sydney , he woke one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, 'I've got bad news for you - you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'
The man looked a little perplexed and said: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'
The doctor answered: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'
The man screamed in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a .'
The doctor replied: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only option.'
The next day the man found a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his penis and proclaimed, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease.'
The guy said to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do? My Australian doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'
The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed. 'Stupid Australian doctor, always want to operate.. Make more money that way. No need to operate!'
'Oh, Thank God!' the man replied.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks. Fall off by itself!'
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
English summary: ginger is good for your health
1949, only socialism can save China;
1979, only capitalism can save China;
1989, only China can save socialism;
2009, only China can save capitalism;
2012, only China can save the earth.
Monday, November 16, 2009
> > 從前從前有一個尼姑跟一個屠夫是鄰居兼好朋友，尼姑天天早上要起來念經，而屠夫天天要起來殺豬。
> > 為了怕晚起床耽誤了他們自已早上的工作或功課，於是他們約定互相叫對方起床。
> > 多年以後....尼姑與屠夫相繼去逝了，屠夫上了天堂，而尼姑卻下地獄去了！！
> > Why？？？
> > 因為屠夫天天作善事，叫尼姑起來念經；相反地，尼姑天天叫屠夫起來殺生！
> > 意外吧....？
> > 想想這則故事所得到的啟示吧....
> > 「你做的東西是不是都是你認為對的，卻不一定是對的？」
> > 【*PART 2*】
> > 下了一場非常大的雨，洪水開始淹沒城市，一個神父在教堂裡祈禱，眼看洪水已經淹到他的身體了，突然一個救生員駕著小艇跟神父說：「神父....
> > 神父說：「不！我要守著我的殿堂！我深信上帝會來救我的！！」
> > 過了不久，洪水已經淹過神父頭了，神父只好勉強站在桌子上。
> > 這時又一個警察開著小艇跟神父說：「神父！快！快上來！不然洪水會把你淹死的！」
> > 神父說：「不！我要守著我的殿堂！我深信上帝會來救我的！！」
> > 又過了一會兒，洪水已經把教堂淹沒了，神父只好抓著教堂頂端的十字架。
> > 一架直昇機緩緩飛過來，丟下繩梯之後，飛行員大叫：「神父！快！快上來！不然洪水會把你淹死的！！」
> > 神父還是意志很堅定的說：「不！我深信上帝會來救我的！」
> > 最後，神父就被淹死了....
> > 神父上了天堂後，見了上帝就很生氣的問：「你是怎麼搞的呀？這樣你的子民還會相信你嗎？」
> > 上帝說：「你到底想我怎麼樣嘛？我已經派了兩艘小艇和一架直昇機去救你了，難道你要航空母艦才坐呀？」
> > 文中神父堅信上帝會拯救他，他期待神蹟。
> > 後來我們知道上帝是要救他的，只是所用的方式跟他所期待不一樣！
> > 我們是不是常常用自己的價值觀硬套在別人身上？
> > 我們希望對方這麼做、我們要求對方那麼做。
> > 或者應該說，我們以為對方應該怎麼做，卻沒體會到對方其實都在做了，對方都有在付出！
> > 只是，對方表達的方式不一樣，也因為彼此的行為模式不同，造成雙方的誤解。
> > 「人生•不是得到....就是學到！」
> > 我喜歡這句話，很健康的人生觀：
> > 您不是得到一份圓滿的因緣；就是學到怎樣更靠近幸福。
> > 您不是得到勝利；就是學到如何避免失敗。
> > 您不是得到最終自己想要的結果；
> > 就是學到....世事總不會盡如人意。
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is so very nice indeed, said.The next day, Mary ran into one of John's Drinking buddies on the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
Have A Great Day !
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Health, cholesterol, exercise etc:
Thanks for your various kind suggestions and advice.
1. Irene: Many friends tell me I should eat麥皮. I’m quite lazy and try to avoid cooking and washing dishes. So I seldom eat麥皮, until recently.
I come across Quaker Instant Oatmeals – 10 packets per box for less than $3. I buy different mixes. I’m now starting having instant 麥皮, perhaps about 4-5 times a week. I’ll follow Irene’s advice and buy some Lecithin capsules/granules in the next few days.
2. One thing bad about me is whenever I watch TV ads about food, I’ll start searching for yuimmies and start eating. Bad, Bad, Bad! But I’m afraid I can’t control myself. Sometimes when I go out to eat, I’ll ask my friends to give me a kick if I start eating too much.
3. Like Tony, junk food usually ends up inside my tummy. It really takes great effort to control my eating habit. I’m trying…
4. Ding: Thanks for your detailed explanation and suggestion about Welchol. When I see my doctors, I ask them. Very true about taking care of the pain first before exercising.
When I was at the cardiac rehab center a few months ago, I could do walking/treadmilling for at least 45 minutes 4 to 5 times a week. Then because of the pain, my exercises were reduced to 2-3 minutes 1 to 2 times weekly. Now I can do treadmilling for about 25 minutes maybe 3 times a week.
5. Tony: You’re right about over-exercising. This is one of my weak points. Yes, the clinic receptionist always insists that I fast for the With my recent resumption of exercising, and the .
I should have no problem with the stress test, but I really don’t know about the blood test since I’m not taking lipiptor.
(By that way, my cardiologist was extremely angry when I asked him many months ago whether I could stop taking lipitor. He said I may die even if I don’t take it for one day.) From time to time, I eat bread that contains 10 grains with peanut butter and/or Becel omega 3 plus margarine. I’ll visit your website again tomorrow.
Thanks again, all, for your various suggestions and advice.
Have you been eating 麥皮 (need 1 cup, dry) every day and Lecithin 黃豆卵磷脂?, (in the formof granules or capsules), they’re suppose to be able to bring down the cholesterols.
Irene also wrote:
One way of stopping yourself eating your favorite junks is to stare at them and imagine something bad that look similar to that item. (sounds like Harry Potter films ). A guy from Australia used this method (+ exercise of course) to loose over 50 kg. and is making heaps of money now by promoting this method. Can’t remember his name off-hand.
I stared at my junk food (similar to stare at the sheep movie), but somehow they found their way into my month.
I am only trying to help from my own experience and research, not trying to pretend to be omnipotent.
Please ask your doctor about a drug called Welchol. It is not a statin (as in Lipitor, Crestor). Statins gave you the muscle problem. Welchol does not work on everyone but if it works on you, you are saved.
Statin's direct link to this muscle pain and damage has not been found but scientist found out it turned on a gene, the atrogin-1. This gene happens to be found active in cancer and AIDS patients at the beginning stages of the breakdown of their muscle. So far scientist are not sure if statins turn on the gene.
They only found this gene on. This is a good clue to explain why the muscle pain in people taking these statin drugs. Welchor does not get absorbed by the body. What it does is to carry away the bile acids from your blood. In order to replenish this useful acid, your liver will have to manufacture more.
The liver uses cholesterol to manufacture bile acid therefore it has to collect a lot of them back from your blood. This lowers your blood cholesterol. Welchor gets out of your system with the bile acid. Your stool becomes sticky and you will fart a lot (and awful too) but that will stop.
I know because I used to have I had so much pain that I couldn't even strap my and I took Lipitor.二胡 on my shoulder and walk to my student's home which was three blocks. I couldn't walk freely. I switched to Welchor and I was fine. My cholesterol dropped and kept dropping.
I did a lot of research on this. Then with my muscle being fine I started to jog and practice my martial art again. Two years later, I am all healthy and I reduced my Welchor to half, then to 1/4 and now none.
My point is, you must take care of your pain first otherwise there is no way for you to do any exercise.
John, well said. I was about to give the same advice, but you took my words out of my mouth. Here are some other hints.
* As John said, with his son several years ago. He was my age. is no good. I had a doctor friend died of heart attack when playing badminton
* You really need to fast before the tricel. test. Better to have a light dinner and take the test in the morning with only water.
* It is dangerous to stop Lipito. The doctor may have a good reason.
* Try a diet of 5 grains.
* There are several good suggestion in my blog. Need to have a post to summarize all health hints when I have time.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Number One Idiot of 2008.
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants..
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either,
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him..
At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
They arrested the robber two hours later..
The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him..
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'