Court laughs

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? W ITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

How many positions of love making?

I (editor note: thanks Steve for your honesty and willingness to share your experience, haha) once took a sex-education class in college and a funny thing happened one day.

The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarrassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."

The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another student, there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one."

The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven."

And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."

Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer.

Finally she said, "Only one, sir."

And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?"

"With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.

From the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!

吃蝦的時候喝橙汁等於自殺 - Shrimp & orange.

Summary in English: do not eat shrimps and orange together - it will kill you!

> 蝦+ 維生素C = 砒霜------- 女孩一夜暴斃臺灣，
>
> 一名女孩突然無緣無故 的七孔流血暴斃，一夜之間，就奔赴黃泉, 經過初步驗屍. 斷
> 定為因砒霜中毒而死亡。
>
> 那砒霜從何而來？一名醫學院的教授被邀趕來協助破案。 教授仔細地察看了死者胃中
> 取物，不到半個小時，暴斃之謎便揭曉。教授說：「死者並非自殺，亦不是被殺，而
> 是死於無知的『它殺』」大家莫名其妙。
>
> 教授說：「砒霜是在死者腹內產生的。」死者生前每天也會服食「維他命C 」，這完
> 全沒有問題，問題出在她晚餐吃了大量的蝦，吃蝦本身也是沒有問題的，所以她在家
> 吃了都沒有事，但死者卻同時服用了「維他命C」，問題就出在這裏!
>
> 美國芝加哥大學的研究員，通過實驗發現，蝦等軟殼類食物含有大量濃度較高的－五
> 鉀砷化合物。
>
> 這種物質食入體內，本身對身體並無毒害作用，但是，在服用「維生素C」之後，由於
> 化學作用，使原來無毒的－五鉀砷(即砷酸酐，亦稱五氧化砷)，其化學式為
> (As2O5) ，轉變為有毒的三鉀砷(即亞砷酸酐)，又稱為三氧化二砷，其化學式為
> (As2O3) ，這就是們俗稱的砒霜!
>
> 砒霜有原漿毒作用，能麻痹毛細血管，抑制巰基梅的活性，並使肝臟脂變肝小葉中心
> 壞死，心、肝、腎、腸充血，上皮細胞壞死，毛細血管擴張。
>
> 故中其毒而死者，常是七竅出血。
>
> 所以；為慎重起見，在服用維生素C期間，應當忌食蝦類。
>
> 看完後；請不要吝嗇，轉寄給你的同學和親友現在很多飲料裏都有維他命C

Lawyers

1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They weren't working ... They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you (A)-go to lunch or (B)-read the newspaper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Don't know. (There are some things a pig just won't do.)

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable wing tips.

17. Why does NY have the most lawyers in the country, while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

Do not STEAL.......... The government hates competition.

Hearing aids

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

中文也需要翻譯

一個口音很重的縣長到村裏作報告：

「兔子們，蝦米們，豬尾巴！不要醬瓜，鹹菜太貴啦！！」
（翻譯：同志們，鄉民們，注意吧！不要講話，現在開會啦！！）

縣長講完以後，主持人說：「鹹菜請香腸醬瓜！」
（翻譯：現在請鄉長講話！）

鄉長說：「兔子們，今天的飯狗吃了，大家都是大王八！」
（翻譯：同志們，今天的飯夠吃了，大家都是大碗吧！）

不要醬瓜，我撿個狗屎給你們舔舔．．．
（翻譯：不要講話，我講個故事給你們聽聽)

Italian confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

‘4 months vacation and five good leads.’