I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
-James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
-Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds: Wife wanted. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.
-Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!
Second Guy:.You're lucky, mine's still alive.
-Anonymous
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
More about Cantonese
We usually refer to the languages spoken in China around the隋, 唐,宋 periods (between 6th and 10th AD) as Middle Chinese (中古漢語). Some modern Chinese dialects still have certain characteristics that are closer to the older pronunciations of Middle Chinese than others. Reading rhyme-based classical literature (文言), especially poetry, in these dialects seems more coherent to the original reading must have been. Such dialects include Cantonese, Southern Min 閩南, and the Wen Zhou 溫州dialect. These southern dialects retain more of the original tones. Not all, but more.
Cantonese has nine tones, Mandarin has four, and the old Middle Chinese (中古漢語) has eight. Cantonese preserves many Middle Chinese’s syllable sounds that Mandarin has lost or merged. For example, the characters 裔, 屹, 藝, 憶, 譯, 懿, 誼, 肄, 翳, 邑, and 佚 are all pronounced "yi" in Mandarin, but they are all different in Cantonese. And the character 學 is another example of what was lost in Mandarin. In Cantonese, Hakka, Hokkien, Vietnamese, Korean, and Japanese, it is “hohk”, "hók", "hak", “học ",”hak”, and "gaku" respectively. The pronunciation in Mandarin is “xue”. Big difference.
I find the best way to decide is through Chinese poetry. Read the poem by the famous Du Fu （杜甫） of Tang Dynasty and you'll find that Cantonese makes them sound better. In Cantonese, we got chum, sum, yum, sum and kum. In Mandarin, we got get xun, sen, yin, xin and qin.
丞相祠堂何處尋，錦官城外柏森森。
映階碧草自春色，隔葉黃鸝空好音。
三顧頻煩天下計，兩朝開濟老臣心。
出師未捷身先死，長使英雄淚滿襟。
(This poem was rhymed within the Rhyming Group of 侵韻)
Cantonese has nine tones, Mandarin has four, and the old Middle Chinese (中古漢語) has eight. Cantonese preserves many Middle Chinese’s syllable sounds that Mandarin has lost or merged. For example, the characters 裔, 屹, 藝, 憶, 譯, 懿, 誼, 肄, 翳, 邑, and 佚 are all pronounced "yi" in Mandarin, but they are all different in Cantonese. And the character 學 is another example of what was lost in Mandarin. In Cantonese, Hakka, Hokkien, Vietnamese, Korean, and Japanese, it is “hohk”, "hók", "hak", “học ",”hak”, and "gaku" respectively. The pronunciation in Mandarin is “xue”. Big difference.
I find the best way to decide is through Chinese poetry. Read the poem by the famous Du Fu （杜甫） of Tang Dynasty and you'll find that Cantonese makes them sound better. In Cantonese, we got chum, sum, yum, sum and kum. In Mandarin, we got get xun, sen, yin, xin and qin.
丞相祠堂何處尋，錦官城外柏森森。
映階碧草自春色，隔葉黃鸝空好音。
三顧頻煩天下計，兩朝開濟老臣心。
出師未捷身先死，長使英雄淚滿襟。
(This poem was rhymed within the Rhyming Group of 侵韻)
I love this doctor
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for me?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little big around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for my figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Apparently it's speaking English that kills you.
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for me?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little big around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for my figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats - and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Apparently it's speaking English that kills you.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Three Phases
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'
Monday, April 6, 2009
Old Hong Kong scenary disappearing
I was walking down Hong Kong Island’s streets. I remembered a different kind of life used to go on in these spaces. Yet they're being renovated at such a fast pace that nobody can recall their authenticity or keep track of their changes. I have many memories attached to these spaces. They have once been a part of my life. I remember living in Hung Hom and going to primary school on Robinson Road. I saved the bus fare by walking all the way up from Central. When I looked at these streets, I couldn’t help feeling melancholic because I was seeing the scenery and places of Hong Kong I once liked disappearing.
July 1, 1997 came and went. According to the promise for Hong Kong, moving toward a directly elected local legislature could begin after 2007. For the time being, however, Chinese officials are using all the other powers at their disposal to wean Hong Kong away from its fond attachment to the Western ways of political life. Beijing's insistence on national security and its procrastination over keeping its promises are the most important indicators of how Hong Kong is being slowly eased into the mainland-style governance.
All these have changed the feeling of Hong Kong’s streets. The change means different things to different people: the winners, losers, and critics. But the change doomed more than the fate of the Star Ferry. To us, who are sidelined, we have to find parallels in nature. Adjusting to its unrelenting way of irreversibility. Even though we are no longer young, it is comforting to know that we were once young. We have lived in free.
【摸魚兒】寄故人
寫繁華，覓香花陣，春風輸我詞筆。
慣將山水同遊處，留取故人消息。
時縱隔，訊依舊，匆匆卻是花顏色。
少年遊歷，任醉裏疏狂，當時只恨，從不把愁瀉。
平生矣，四顧中流正急，江山偏少豪客。
軟紅塵裏歌如舊，鐵板誰來敲拍？
頭已白，未辜負，男兒宵起猶磨墨。
幾堆平仄，怕兩樣銷魂，笑談才氣，寫入等閒冊．
Sunday, April 5, 2009
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!.........bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in a rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it ?
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!.........bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in a rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it ?
October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
Taishanese joke
Here’s a joke which works in Taishanese but I think you can figure it out with Cantonese. It doesn’t work in Mandarin:
Ah Ming was known as the class rebel. he was proud of his reputation as the bad boy because he knew very well that the girls love a bad boy. One day in class, his teacher joked about him in front of everyone, which he really didn’t take kindly to, so was angry. It was time to go over some English, so the teacher started testing the students on vocabulary.
‘Now, Ah Ming, how do you say “猫” in English?’ He didn’t know the answer and decided to be defiant, so after ignoring the teacher for a few seconds and avoiding his gaze, with almighty effort and noise, he first gathered the saliva from the back of his throat ‘Kaaargh!’ then spat it out on to the floor ‘Tu!’. For a split second, he was pleased with this show of contempt, until the teacher’s eyes lit up, shocked ‘Yes, that’s right! Well done, Ah Ming!’
Ah Ming was a little confused before assuming the teacher was being sarcastic and was now seething at having been made fun of. After a few more questions around the class, it was Ah Ming’s turn again to answer another question.
‘How do you say the English word for “绿色”?’ To restore his reputation he decided to be rude and really get into trouble this time, so he barked ‘Ghee leen ah!’, only to be perplexed at becoming the star pupil, his reputation destroyed!
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