笑死人的十二星座

笑死人的十二星座


白羊座

媽媽經常叮囑羊羊：「 穿裙子時不可以盪鞦韆；不然，會被小男生看到裏面的小內褲哦！」

有一天，羊羊高興地對媽媽說：「今天我和小明比賽盪鞦韆，我贏了！」

媽媽生氣地說：「不是告訴過你嗎？穿裙子時不要盪鞦韆！」

羊羊驕傲地說：「可是我好聰明哦！我把裏面的小內褲脫掉了，這樣他就看不到我的小內褲了！」

（勇敢直率、敢作敢為的白羊）



金牛座
賣瓜小販：「 快來吃西瓜，不甜不要錢！」

饑渴的牛牛：「哇！太好了，老闆，來個不甜的！」

（持家、想出軌，又顧全自己的金牛）



雙子座
媽媽叫雙雙起床：「 快點起來！公雞都叫好幾遍了！」

雙雙說： 「公雞叫和我有什麼關係？我又不是母雞！」

（自我意識強烈、自行思維的雙子）



巨蟹座

公車上，蟹蟹說：「今晚我要和媽媽睡！」

媽媽問道：「你將來娶了媳婦也和媽媽睡啊？」

蟹蟹不假思索：「嗯！」

媽媽又問： 「那你媳婦怎麼辦？」

蟹蟹想了半天，說：「好辦，讓她跟爸爸睡！」

媽媽：「 ！＠＃＄％︿＆＊（ ……-」

再看爸爸，已經熱淚盈眶啦！

（戀母情結、依戀的巨蟹）



獅子座
獅獅去參加奶奶的壽宴。

到了吃壽包的時 ? 獅獅問： 「我們為什麼要吃這種像屁股的壽包？」

眾人聽了臉色大變。

接著獅獅撥開壽包，看看裏面的豆沙，說：「奶奶，快看！裏面還有大便！」

眾人暈的暈，吐的吐。

（以自我感受、不怕旁人眼光的驕傲的獅子）


處女座
處處對肚臍很好奇，就問爸爸。

爸爸把臍帶連著胎兒與母體的道理簡單地講了一下，說：

「 嬰兒離開母體之後，醫生把臍帶減斷，並打了一個結，後來就成了肚臍。」

處處：「 那醫生為什麼不打個蝴蝶結？」

（好奇心強又追求完美的處女）



天秤座
父親對天天說：「 今天不要上學了，昨晚．．．你媽給你生了兩個弟弟。

你跟老師說一下就行了。」

天天卻回答：「爸爸，我只說生了一個；另一個，我想留著下星期不想上時再說！」

（聰明、權衡利弊的天平）



天蠍座
蠍蠍剛睡著，就被蚊子叮了一口。

他起來趕蚊子，卻怎麼也趕不出去。沒法，便指著蚊子說：「好吧，你不出去我出去！」

邊說邊出了房間，把門使勁關嚴得意地說：「哼！我今晚不進屋，非把你餓死不可！」

（搞不懂、不按常理出牌的天蠍）



射手座
射射：「 爸爸，為什麼你有那麼多白頭髮？」

爸爸：「 因為你不乖，所以爸爸有好多白頭髮呀！」

射射： …… （疑惑中）

射射：「 那為什麼爺爺全部都是白頭髮？」

爸爸：「！＠＃＄％︿＆＊! （ …… 」

（喜歡思考的射手）


摩羯座
一天，羯羯跟媽媽上街；走在路上，突然下起雨來。

媽媽拉過羯羯的小手，說：「下雨了，快往前跑啊！」

羯羯慢條斯理地問：「那前面就不下雨嘍！？」

（明白現實，懶得改變的摩羯）



水瓶座
瓶瓶問媽媽：「 為什麼稱蔣先生為『先人』？」

媽媽說：「 因為〝先人〞是對死去的人的稱呼。」

瓶瓶說：「 那去世的奶奶，是不是要叫『鮮奶』？」

（天生的另類、腦筋思考永遠和常人不一樣的水瓶）


雙魚座
爸爸給魚魚講小時候經常挨餓的事。

聽完後，魚魚兩眼含淚，十分同情地問：

「 哦，爸爸，你是因為沒飯吃才來我們家的嗎？」

（含豐富的同情心、不分情況的雙魚）

Honk if you love Jesus

Dear Grandson, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker...
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting... So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

Back Pew

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

They look pretty good!

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willythat will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thingis, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'

The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with yourwife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before,and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have,' says the man.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'Yes, she has,' says the man.

'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

'We're getting new countertops.'

BBQ Rules

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert ..
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.


Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Backup, backup...

It is part of the e-mail I replied to my friend John W. when his son's PC with the MS thesis died.

Prevention is better than all the works after disaster such as:

1. I have a cheap UBS drive (120GB) to backup once a month (sometimes earlier and sometimes longer depending on how important and how many new files I have). It is good to exchange files between different PCs. The newer ones are cheaper (by cost per GB) and smaller.

2. Open a gmail (or other provider) e-mail account and send yourself files you need to back up.

You should have security protection for some files like tax returns - I'm guilty of not doing a better job myself. When your computer dies, the disk drive could still survive. That's what happened to the famous HK movie star who had all the sexy pictures with his famous playmates publicized.

Bridge game with Billy and Wally

Talking about vision, I have to tell you a true story. Promise me not to tell other, or I have to kill you.

One Chinese short guy knocked on my door and asked me whether I wanted to make $500 for playing bridge. It was a lot of money for a poor student. The guy was chain smoking and told me to pretend not to understand English and he had a vision that we will win. It was against two tall American guys Billy and Wally.

The business-looking Americans cheated talking about their cards in English and of course I knew what they’re having. We won $10,000. He told me his complete vision:

1. We Chinese have been losing for centuries, and these two, ‘informed’ Americans think we’re going to lose again.
2. They think all Chinese do not speak English (in 1970s).
3. They are physically developed but not mentally- from the mouth of a short Chinese.
4. To these rich folks, $10,000 is just peanuts - we want to win more than they.

My partner gave me $500 as promised. I told him I felt exploited and I should get more. He explained to me ‘this is the capitalism with Chinese characteristic’.

I heard he was cheated by another American guy for the $10,000 he won. It was a big cowboy hat and was supposed to belong to John Wayne. It is not too pricy to learn American capitalism this way. I do not know which country’s capitalism is better.

——–
Original joke (c) 5-20-2009 and inspired by the word ‘vision’.

3 nickels

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking, getting blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."

Arrest

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Joe's story

Joe is my 'never met' classmate. I found his casual e-mail very interesting and emotional. Our background and how we're brought up could motivate us to be a better and successful man in life. With Joe's permission, I would like to share the Story of early Joe with you.

This is part of our sad history, but we are all looking towards to a better China.

-----------

My mom, 98, had 12 kids, only 7 survive. She refused to talk about our own suffering. Only mention Japanese surrounded the remote village and rounded everyone up and murdered them all. It must be too painful for her hiding in the wild watching close relative murdered. When she first arrived in SF, I picked her up with my new Corolla, she refused to sit in the car. It took me a while to sweet talk to her. When I bought a Town and Country, the first thing she asked me is what make. When I told her American car, she repeated - good boy, good boy, many times. Well!

In 1945, our whole family went back to Xiamen. We suffered through evil Mao. My proud uncle ‘bought’ us out of China. I remembered the first time, only my kid brother and my mom were allowed to come to HK. My proud uncle stop payment to HK Mao connection. My mom took Paul and went back to China, telling her brother, either we all came out or we all died in there. Being a Christian with ‘rich’ status. Anyone can imagine how painful for us. Not that I knew it that well. I was too young. Lucky! We escaped Cultural Revolution.

I don’t know who to hate. I wasn’t so happy when I first arrived in HK. In our village, the crooks took bribe under table. In HK, the police took bribe openly. There were no clean police in HK at the time. I have no faith in human race.

Those New York kids protested HK child labor. But HK had no welfare system, if a poor 11 years old, me!, do not allow to work, I can only take the job home, being paid half the pay. I protested once watching TV news talking about it. Mom quietly asked me to pray with her. She doesn’t want me to hate anyone.

I had no faith in humanity. The whole West are full of hypocrisy!

I refused to take history class in HK. It was pointless to learn ugly human behavior.

The first time I learned the word ‘embargo’ was in US, history class. I can’t believe how evil that we can come up with such idea. Crucifying a war torn, backward nation by preventing trade is too evil. I totally lost faith in democracy. We yell beautiful slogans, but we commit such a crime.

History class was compulsory. I challenged the professor that why should I forced to take history and government that I have zero background. My professor asked me, if it was OK that I tried my best to read and tell him what grade I wanted. He was too liberal. I told him A. He asked me why? I said all my majors were A. I could not afford C. I suddenly realized democracy is not so bad after all.

Anyway, being Chinese, I am happy I have the chance to watch good Lord giving China the second chance to become the world dominating economy. Finally, Chinese have a chance to survive well again.

Hope China can turn into a well behave society.

Happy & sad - PG 17

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

The brain is better than 2 hands

An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Edmonton. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was very hard to turn over for an 80 year old. His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan penitentiary for an extended sentence.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vladko,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Tato

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Tato,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Walter

At 4 a.m. The next morning, RCMP and local Edmonton police arrived and dug up the entire backyard area without finding any bodies. They finally apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Tato,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Walter

Small Change ---- PG17

A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.'

Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents?!!'

5.12 Earthquake Anniversary

China has more than its share of disasters, natural and man-made. From recent history, we have farmer army turned to killers/rapers in the end of Ming, then the opium pushers from the west, the war criminals from Japan in WW2, Mao’s disasters and two major earthquakes.

This one demonstrates China can survive better than before. We need to prepare for the next disaster. Enforce building codes at a reasonable cost.

Special thanks to our schoolmate Malcolm who went to the disaster area to help and all who donated.

Here are 2 of the many links to very powerful, emotional pictures.

click here for link #1

click here for link #2

Click here for carton.

Click here for a good story to show human spirit.

Click here for another emotional story.

A lady and her hat



An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any under clothes
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Bounce!!!

Bounce This Along!

The US Postal service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow-jackets away.

Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The insects just veer around you.

All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!

1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.

2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.

3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.

4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season..

5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen..

6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.

7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.

8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.

9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.

10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.

11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.

12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.

13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.

14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.

15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the lose hairs.

16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.

17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.

18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.
20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.

21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
22. Wet a Bounce sheet, hose down your car, and wipe lovebugs off easily with the wet Bounce.

Quick, bounce this along! Nothing will happen if you don't, but your friends will be glad to hear these hints!

Convincing ad from lottery

Can you believe it? This guy wins $25 million playing the lottery on a Wednesday, and then finds a fiancée just two days later. Talk about Luck!

Chinese jokes

It is from Houston Chinatown website. Some jokes have been included in this blog. Click here.

Medical Alert!

Forward notice from: The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

It is recommended that you should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Texas wife

The first man married a woman from OHIO . He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from TEXAS . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher

The Juggler

A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, ‘cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

Weird

Weird

Count them and wait!
Count them again after the picture has changed .

This will drive you crazy!

WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM?
Don't ask me; I haven't figured it out yet, that's why I sent it to you.

Hot mama

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Dr.'
“Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.
I said, “You've got a heart murmur; be careful.”'

Arthritis

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool...
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

100 reasons to be great for guys!

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about cars.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If you're 40 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too yucky.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whip ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere

----

Tony: one bad reason is you need a lot of cash to enjoy some of the the 100 reasons.

Motivation posters for men - PG21

Due to limited disk storage, click here.

J & R

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

*Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

*Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

*Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds "

*Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

*Jacob: "How about suppositories?"
Pharmacist: "You bet!"

*Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

*Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

*Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
Pharmacist: "We sure do."

*Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

*Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
Pharmacist: "Sure."

**Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

人生何處 不 laughing

人生何處 不 laughing – Innovative Poem 閉上眼好好 thinking， 人生就像一幅 painting， 點點滴滴如何 coloring， 還看你今怎樣 planning？ 有人怨天尤人經常 crying， 有人餐搵餐食掛住 shopping， 有人遊戲人間鍾情 playing， 有人空談理想齋 talking； 也有人永不停步不斷 struggling， 像薛家燕雖然百病纏身令她 suffering， 但為了子女將來的美好 living， 依然不理手術後傷口仍在 paining， 繼續拍劇繼續 working， 令聞者 worrying， 聽者 touching， 都說母愛永遠最是 shinning。 當時光列車不斷在身旁高速 passing， 頭上白髮告訴你青春不會 waiting， 你不期然開始 wondering， 為何幸運之神總是未有 coming， 前路彷彿有著數之不盡的蕉皮令你 slipping， 成功的燈塔卻遠在天邊未能 climbing， 莫非永遠龍游淺水，就像那條座頭鯨? swimming？ 想當初百多元買入匯豐當作 saving， 誰知股票竟一再 falling， 怎不教人 shocking？ 既然捉不到高位沽貨的 timing， 又經歷身家大縮水的 losing， 開始看透富貴只如天際 clouding， 這分鐘享受 winning， 下一秒卻只有 nothing。 何不找一個陽光普照的 morning， 走到郊外試試 hiking， 聽小鳥無愁地 singing， 看地上蟻群悠閒地 walking， 還有風聲蟬鳴蛙叫讓你 listening； 再放眼 looking， 天上飛鳥自在地 flying， 是不是很好 feeling？ 誰說人生 boring？ 看大自然的 amazing， 感受活著的 pleasing! 來吧！ do something！ 不要沉迷於 drinking或sleeping， 總有人令你 missing， 總有目標讓你朝著 running， 哪怕 dying， 哪怕 raining， 信自己是最 charming， 替自己在生命冊上預留一個 booking， 寫下無悔今生的 happy ending！ 最後讓我們 ask for God's blessing!