Why we're in deep shit

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why.

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On
an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of
the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in
Massachusetts.''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed
to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?"

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT -
Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it
be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from
Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL , on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her
this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name
of the town?''

"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.."

The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't
mean Buffalo, do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

When You Rearrange The Letters

PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Cursing at work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers...

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible ..
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand..
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

ObamaCare

TOP 10 INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMACARE

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor¹s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park.²"
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is " GUS" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M¹s on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU¹VE JOINED OBAMACARE:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

The 11th husband

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"
"Well, husband No.1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband No.2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband No.3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband No.4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband No.5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband No.6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband No.7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband No.8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband No.9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband No.10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. --- God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!

Newspaper Headlines

“Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter”

This one I caught in the Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?

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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

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War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!

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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!


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Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half < /SPAN>

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

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And the winner is.....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Did I read that right?

Liquor License

A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits a blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him....!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd ya let the bartender do it...?'

'Duh,' says the blonde, 'He has a licker license!'

GM new car

The new GM proudly

introduces the 2010 Obama ....

This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two Teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the "happy" Democrat owners.

Small Change ---- PG17

A woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex, and my ass hole is now the size of a quarter, when it used to be about the size of a dime.'

Her mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 15 cents?!!'