At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
As they were riding down the river, there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river. He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown!'
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Should children witness childbirth?
Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!"
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could See while he helped deliver the baby...
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed And pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed..
Kathleen quickly responded,
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place.....smack his ass again!"
If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.
超有深度的作文
老師讓同學回家後寫一篇有關「國家」、「黨」、「社會」和「人民」的作文。
小明不理解這些詞的含義，就去問爸爸。爸爸告訴他：
「國家是最大的，就像你奶奶，黨是最有權利的，是一家之主，就像我。
社會就是為黨和國家幹活，還得聽黨的，就像你媽媽。
人民就是最小的，說什麼也沒人聽，就像你。」
晚飯後，小明想寫作文，可是還不是很明白這些事，就去想問奶奶， 可是奶奶已經睡了。
小明去找爸媽，爸爸和媽媽正忙著「床上運動」，爸爸一看他來，兩個耳刮子就給打出來了。小明沒有辦，
只好抹抹眼淚，回房間自己寫作文了。
第二天，爸爸接到老師的電話：
「你是小明的父親吧！」
「是啊，什麼事？」
關於小明的作文
「是寫的不好嗎？」
「不，是寫的太好了，我懷疑不是他自己寫的！」
「他寫了什麼？」
小明的作文寫：
「國家已沉睡，黨在玩社會，社會在呻吟，人民在流淚。」
小明不理解這些詞的含義，就去問爸爸。爸爸告訴他：
「國家是最大的，就像你奶奶，黨是最有權利的，是一家之主，就像我。
社會就是為黨和國家幹活，還得聽黨的，就像你媽媽。
人民就是最小的，說什麼也沒人聽，就像你。」
晚飯後，小明想寫作文，可是還不是很明白這些事，就去想問奶奶， 可是奶奶已經睡了。
小明去找爸媽，爸爸和媽媽正忙著「床上運動」，爸爸一看他來，兩個耳刮子就給打出來了。小明沒有辦，
只好抹抹眼淚，回房間自己寫作文了。
第二天，爸爸接到老師的電話：
「你是小明的父親吧！」
「是啊，什麼事？」
關於小明的作文
「是寫的不好嗎？」
「不，是寫的太好了，我懷疑不是他自己寫的！」
「他寫了什麼？」
小明的作文寫：
「國家已沉睡，黨在玩社會，社會在呻吟，人民在流淚。」
Why we're in deep shit
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why.
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On
an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of
the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in
Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed
to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?"
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT -
Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it
be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from
Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL , on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her
this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name
of the town?''
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.."
The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't
mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle
seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On
an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of
the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in
Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, '' Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa.'' His response -- click.
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state!'' (OMG)
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''
I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if
he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he
had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent
a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car
to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed
to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,
and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put
your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to
whom?'' I said, "No, why do you ask?"
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying
laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT -
Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on
his luggage.
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip
package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it
be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from
Alabama who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola,
Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL , on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, Louisiana Senator, called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her
this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name
of the town?''
"Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere.."
The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't
mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Q & A
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperm can at least enjoy the scenery even if their entry is restricted!
[]
Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married men not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of the same position with different women.
Why is sex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... Tomorrow you'll have to do it again.
Q: What will happen if the earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary every day and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why are 90% of girls' left boobs bigger than their right?
A: Because 90% of boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... It is SHOWTIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Advantages of having an affair with a married woman.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise ...
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
A: So that sperm can at least enjoy the scenery even if their entry is restricted!
[]
Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married men not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...
New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of the same position with different women.
Why is sex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... Tomorrow you'll have to do it again.
Q: What will happen if the earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary every day and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why are 90% of girls' left boobs bigger than their right?
A: Because 90% of boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... It is SHOWTIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Advantages of having an affair with a married woman.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise ...
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
Can food cure cancer?
Irene sent this before. Seems it is worth to remind us that food can cure many diseases, and prevention is important. To conclude, eat more natural food, vegetables and fruits, and less BBQ food, processed food...
Here is the link.
Here is the link.
六個台灣的極品笑話
1... 李登輝、連戰、陳水扁同坐直升機巡視。
李登輝說：如果我丟一千塊下去，撿到那一個人一定很高興。
連戰說： 如果我丟兩張五百元下去，那就有兩個人很高興了。
陳水扁說：如果我丟十張一百元下去，就有十個 人很高興了。
這個時候...駕駛員喃喃自語地說： 何不把自己都丟下去，
讓兩千三百萬人都高興呢？
2... 總統阿扁希望提高自己的聲望，想要發行有自己肖像的郵票.....
發行過了一個多月之後，阿扁想要問看看視察看看銷路如何。
.......阿扁：銷售情形怎麼樣？
郵政總局局長：還算不錯，不過常常有人抱怨黏不牢！
阿扁：怎麼會呢？
阿扁隨手拿了一張郵票，塗了一點口水在郵票背面，便試貼在信封上，
....
阿扁：這樣不是黏得很緊嗎？
郵政總局局長：可是......大家...都把口水吐在正面啊...
3...深夜，阿扁總統要去幫阿珍買夜宵。
結果在路上遇到搶匪...
搶匪拿著槍指 著阿扁說：把身上的錢交出來！
阿扁勃然大怒說：你這什 麼態度？我可是堂堂總統耶！'
搶匪：喔! 那...... 把我的錢還來。
4...某天，總統、五院院長等大官一起參加一個會議，結果發生連環車 禍，送至醫院急救，記者們聞風趕至醫院。
稍久，醫生出 來了，記者忙著問：
醫生！醫生！總統有救嗎？
醫生沮喪的搖 搖頭....總統沒救了...
記者又問：醫生！醫生！
行政院長有救嗎？
醫生又沮喪的搖搖頭...也沒救了...
記者就問：那到底誰有救？
醫生精神一振說：台灣有救了！
5... 有一天陳水扁總統前往某家精神病院視察，所有的病患都站在走廊上高聲歡呼，陳水扁萬歲！陳水扁萬歲！
只有一名病患面無表情，對總統不理不睬。
陳水扁看到了，於是問院長說：
那位病人為什麼不對我歡呼呢？
院長：因為他今天精神非常正常。
6...一輛競選車載 著陳水扁競選團隊開到鄉村去造勢，不幸在山間小路上翻車，
正在農田裡幹 活的老農民看見這情景，就趕到出事å
李登輝說：如果我丟一千塊下去，撿到那一個人一定很高興。
連戰說： 如果我丟兩張五百元下去，那就有兩個人很高興了。
陳水扁說：如果我丟十張一百元下去，就有十個 人很高興了。
這個時候...駕駛員喃喃自語地說： 何不把自己都丟下去，
讓兩千三百萬人都高興呢？
2... 總統阿扁希望提高自己的聲望，想要發行有自己肖像的郵票.....
發行過了一個多月之後，阿扁想要問看看視察看看銷路如何。
.......阿扁：銷售情形怎麼樣？
郵政總局局長：還算不錯，不過常常有人抱怨黏不牢！
阿扁：怎麼會呢？
阿扁隨手拿了一張郵票，塗了一點口水在郵票背面，便試貼在信封上，
....
阿扁：這樣不是黏得很緊嗎？
郵政總局局長：可是......大家...都把口水吐在正面啊...
3...深夜，阿扁總統要去幫阿珍買夜宵。
結果在路上遇到搶匪...
搶匪拿著槍指 著阿扁說：把身上的錢交出來！
阿扁勃然大怒說：你這什 麼態度？我可是堂堂總統耶！'
搶匪：喔! 那...... 把我的錢還來。
4...某天，總統、五院院長等大官一起參加一個會議，結果發生連環車 禍，送至醫院急救，記者們聞風趕至醫院。
稍久，醫生出 來了，記者忙著問：
醫生！醫生！總統有救嗎？
醫生沮喪的搖 搖頭....總統沒救了...
記者又問：醫生！醫生！
行政院長有救嗎？
醫生又沮喪的搖搖頭...也沒救了...
記者就問：那到底誰有救？
醫生精神一振說：台灣有救了！
5... 有一天陳水扁總統前往某家精神病院視察，所有的病患都站在走廊上高聲歡呼，陳水扁萬歲！陳水扁萬歲！
只有一名病患面無表情，對總統不理不睬。
陳水扁看到了，於是問院長說：
那位病人為什麼不對我歡呼呢？
院長：因為他今天精神非常正常。
6...一輛競選車載 著陳水扁競選團隊開到鄉村去造勢，不幸在山間小路上翻車，
正在農田裡幹 活的老農民看見這情景，就趕到出事å
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
有人知道答案嗎?????
三個人去投宿
服務生說要300元
每個人就各出了100元，湊成300元
後來老闆說今天特價只要 250元
於是老闆叫服務生把退的 50元 拿去還給他們
服務生想說自己也很辛苦於是暗藏 20元起來，然後就把剩下的 30元還給他們
那三個人每人拿回１０元 100－10＝90 表示每個人只出了 90元投宿
90元X３人= 270元 +服務生的20元＝290元
請問...那剩下的 10元呢？？？？
紐西蘭某大學提供這個題目後，受到廣大的迴響！
好多人到目前為止還是想不通．．．．．．．．
服務生說要300元
每個人就各出了100元，湊成300元
後來老闆說今天特價只要 250元
於是老闆叫服務生把退的 50元 拿去還給他們
服務生想說自己也很辛苦於是暗藏 20元起來，然後就把剩下的 30元還給他們
那三個人每人拿回１０元 100－10＝90 表示每個人只出了 90元投宿
90元X３人= 270元 +服務生的20元＝290元
請問...那剩下的 10元呢？？？？
紐西蘭某大學提供這個題目後，受到廣大的迴響！
好多人到目前為止還是想不通．．．．．．．．
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