* Chinaman for president

I promise every citizen will have a couch and unlimited supply of potato chip. Here are my solutions to all our problems.

Federal deficit. No more foreign invasion like Iraq. Enough billions will be saved to fulfill my above promise for many generations to come!

Trade deficit. Sell every missile, atomic bomb and carrier to China as we do not need them any more. Make the Chinese promise not to use them against us, or we can change the GPS to reroute all the missiles back to Beijing.

Economy. Only bail out greedy companies as greed is good. How hard to speed up the money printing machine? Or, borrow more from China. No money, no import.

Human rights. No gun for our citizens. If that Chinese had an AK 45 in the Beijing Olympic incidence, imagine how many would be killed. Learn from the human right lovers.

Illegal immigrants. When caught, send them to Alaska for the hardest labor on earth. I bet even the dumbest Mexican will not come here illegally. Problem solved. The nice guy I pay pennies to clean up my yard is the only exception.

Education. Just import some smart, young, educated Chinese that they have plenty to spare. Why spend billions to produce mediocre college graduates who cannot count from 1 to 12 (unless they have 12 fingers)?

Social welfare. All welfare cheaters including all politicians will be sent to China for re-education. Cheap and effective.

Obesity. The more walking refrigerators we have, the wealthier we look. Feel sorry for the skinny Chinese suffering from malnutrition.

Medical Delivery. You do not pay, you die. Crude but very effective way to encourage you to work hard, save, small government, and do not blame all your problems on others.

Permissibility. Encourage teenage pregnancy - our politicians set up great examples. There will be more under-aged gymnasts to choose from.

Social security. Import more young foreigners for jobs, hence contributing to social security. Encourage old citizens to die early to reduce the draw from the pot by giving them unlimited supply of Viagra, alcohol…

Politicians. They tell you what you want to hear: no income tax, bailout, rebate checks, and free medical delivery. They think you’re stupid enough not to ask “where the money comes from”.

This message is approved (as all dumb politicians with no creativity would say) by your friendly Chinese government, who wants you buy more couches and potato chips.


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Original satire