Steve smarter than his look

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother20was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure= it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped=2 0out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we desi gned it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was= a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the y ears roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past= 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to20heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's ch= ange agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park , and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Subject: Apple CEO Steve Jobs對史丹佛畢 業生演講全文

Apple CEO St eve Jobs對史丹佛畢業生演講全文 Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish （求知若飢，虛心若愚） 今天，很榮幸來到各位從世界上最好的學校之一畢業的畢業典禮上。我從來 沒從大學畢業過，說實話，這是我離大學畢業最近的一刻。 今天，我只說三個故事，不談大道理，三個故事就好。 第一個故事，是關於人生中的點點滴滴如何串連在一起。 我在里德學院（Reed College）待了六個月就辦休學了。到我退學前，一 共休學了十八個月。那麼，我為什麼休學？（聽眾笑）這得從我出生前9 B起。 我的親生母親當時是個研究生，年輕未婚媽媽，她決定讓別人收養我。 她強烈覺得應該讓有大學畢業的人收養我，所以我出生時，她就準備讓我被 一對律師夫婦收養。但是這對夫妻到了最後一刻反悔了，他們想收養�= ��孩。 所以在等待收養名單上的一對夫妻，我的養父母，在一天半夜裡接到一通電 話，問他們「有一名意外出生的男孩，你們要認養他嗎？」而他們的回答是 「當然要」。 後來，我的生母發現，我現在的媽媽從來沒有大學畢業，我E在的爸爸則連 高中畢業也沒有。 她拒絕在認養文件上做最後簽字。直到幾個月後，我的養 父母保證將來一定會讓我上大學，她的態度才軟化。 十七年後，我上大學了。但是當時我無知地選了一所學費幾乎跟史丹佛一樣 貴的大學（聽眾笑），我那工人階級的父母將所有積蓄都花在我的學費上。 六個月後，我看不出唸這個書的價值何在。那時候，我不知道這輩子要幹什 麼，也不知道唸大學能對我有什�= ��幫助，只知道我為了唸這個書，花光了我 父母這輩9 0的所有積蓄。所以，我決定休學，相信船到橋頭自然直。 當時這個決定看來相當可怕，可是現在看來，那是我這輩子做過最好的決定 之一。（聽眾笑） 當我休學之後，我再也不用上我沒興趣的必修課，把時間拿去聽那些我有興 趣的課。這一點也不浪漫。 我沒有宿舍，所以我睡在友人家裡的地板上，靠著回收可樂空罐的退費五分 錢買吃的。每個星期天晚上得走七哩的路，繞過大半個鎮去印度教的Hare Krishna 神廟吃頓好料，我喜歡Hare Krishna 神廟的好料。 B 0這樣追隨我的好奇與直覺，大部分我所投入過的事務，後來看來都成了無 比珍貴的經歷（And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on ）。 舉個例來說。當時里德學院有著大概是全國最好的書寫教育。校園內的每一 張海報上，每個抽屜的標籤上，都是美麗的手寫字。 因為我休學了，可以不照正常選課程序來，所以我跑去上書寫課。我學了 serif 與sanserif 字體，學到在不同字母組合間變更字間距，學到活字印刷 偉大的地方。 書寫的美好、歷史感與藝術感是科E5所無法掌握的，我覺得這很迷人。 我沒預期過學這些東西能在我生活中起些什麼實際作用，不過十年後，當我 在設計第一台麥金塔時，我想起了當時所學的東西，所以把這些東西都設計 進了麥金塔裡，這是第一台能印刷出漂亮東西的電腦。 如果我沒沉溺�= ��那樣一門課裡，麥金塔可能就不會有多重字體跟等比例間距 字體了。 又因為Windows抄襲了麥金塔的使用方式（聽眾鼓掌大笑）。因此，如果 當年我沒有休學，沒有去上那門書寫課，大概所有的個人電腦都不會有這些 東西，印不出現在我們看到的漂亮的字來了。 當然，當我還在大學裡時，不可能把這些點點滴滴預先串連在一起，但在十 年後的今天回顧，一切就顯得非常清楚。 我再說一次，你無法預先把點點滴滴串連起來；只有在未來回顧時，你才會 明白那些點點滴滴是如何串在一起的（you can ' t connect the dots look -ing forward; you can only connect them looking backwards ）。 所以你得相信，眼前你經歷的種種，將來多少會連結在一起。你得信任某個 東西，直覺也好，命運也好，生命也好，或=E 8業力。 這種作法從來沒讓我失望，我的�= ��生因此變得完全不同。（Jobs停下來喝水） 我的第二個故事，是有關愛與失去。 我很幸運－年輕時就發現自己愛做什麼事。我二十歲時，跟Steve Wozniak 在我爸媽的車庫裡開始了蘋果電腦的事業。 我們拚命工作，蘋果電腦在十年間從一間車庫裡的兩個小夥子擴展! 成了一 家員工超過四千人、市價二十億美金的公司。在那事件之前一年推出了我們 最棒的作品－麥金塔電腦（Macintosh），那時我才剛邁入三十歲；然後， 我被解僱了。 我怎麼會被自己創辦的公司給解僱了？（聽眾笑） 嗯，當蘋果電腦成長後，我請了一個我以為在經營公司上很有才幹的傢伙來 ，他在頭幾年也確實幹得不錯。可是我們對未來的願景不同，最後只好分道 揚鑣，董事會站在他那邊，就這樣在我30歲的時候，公開把我給解僱了。 我失去了整個生活的重心，我的人生就這樣被摧毀。 有幾個月，我不知道要做些什麼。我覺得我令企業界的前輩們失望－我把他 們交給我的接力棒弄F了。 我見了創辦HP的David Packard跟創辦Intel的Bob Noyce，跟他們說很 抱歉我把事情給搞砸了。我成了公眾眼中失敗的示範，我甚至想要離開矽谷。 但是漸漸的，我發現，我還是喜愛那些我做過的事情，在蘋果電腦中經歷的 那些事絲毫沒有改變我愛做的事。 雖然我被否定了，可是我還是愛做那些事情，所以我決定從頭來過。當 時我沒發現，但現在看來，被蘋果電腦開除，是我所經歷過最好的事情。 成功的沉重被從頭來過的輕鬆所取代，每件事情都不那麼確定，讓我=E 8由進 入這輩子最有創意的年代。 接下來五年，我開了一家叫做NeXT 的公司，又開一家叫做Pixar 的公司， 也跟後來的老婆（Laurene）談起了戀愛。 Pixar接著製作了世界上第一部全電腦動畫電影，玩具總動員（Toy Story） ，現在是世界上最成功的動畫製作公司（聽眾鼓掌大笑）。 然後，蘋果電腦買下了NeXT，我回到了蘋果，我們在NeXT發展的技術成 了蘋果電腦後來復興的核心部份。我也有了個美妙的家庭。我很確定，如果 當年蘋果電腦沒開除我，就不會發生這些事情。 這帖藥很苦口，可是我想蘋果電腦這個病人需要這帖藥。有時候，人生會 用磚頭打你的頭。不要喪失信心。 我確信我愛我所做的事情，這就是這些年來支持我繼續走下去的唯一理由 （I ' m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did）。 你得找出你的最愛，工作上是如此，人生伴侶也是如此。 你的工作將佔掉你人生的一大部分，唯一真正獲得滿足的方法就是做你相信 是偉大的工作，而唯一做偉大工作的方法是愛你所做的事（And the only way to do great work is to love what you do EF。 如果你還沒找�= ��這些事，繼續找，別停頓。盡你全心全力，你知道你一定會 找到。而且，如同任何偉大的事業，事情只會隨著時間愈來愈好。所以，在 你找到之前，繼續找，別停頓。（聽眾鼓掌，Jobs喝水） 我的第三個故事，是關於死亡。 當我十七歲時，我讀到一則格言，好像是「把每一天都當成生命中的最後一 天，你就會輕鬆自在。（If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you ' ll most certainly be right ）」（聽眾笑） 這對我影響深遠，在過去33 年裡，我每天早上都會照=E 9子，自問：「如果 今天是此生最後一日，我今天要做些什麼？」 每當我連續太多天都得到一個「沒事做」的答案時，我就知道我必須有所改 變了。提醒自己快死了，是我在人生中面臨重大決定時，所用過最重要的方 法。 因為幾乎每件事－所有外界期望、所有的名聲、所有對困窘或失敗的恐懼－ 在面對死亡時，都消失了，只有最真實重要的東西才會留下（Remember- ing that I ' ll be dead soon is the most important tool I ' ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.Because almost everything - all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarras sment or failure -these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important ）。 提醒自己快死了，是我所知避免掉入畏懼失去的陷�= ��裡最好的方法。人生不 帶來、死不帶去，沒理由不能順心而為。 一年前，我被診斷出癌症。我在早上七點半作斷層掃瞄，在胰臟清楚出現一 個腫瘤，我連胰臟是什麼都不知道。醫生告訴我，那幾乎可以確定是一種不 治之症，預計我大概活不到三到六個月了。 醫生建議我回家，好好跟親人們聚一聚，這是醫生對臨終病人的標準建議。 那代表你得試著在個月內把你將來十年想跟小孩講的話講完。那代表你得 把每件事情搞定，家人才會儘量輕鬆。那代表你得跟人說再見了。 我整天想著那個診斷結果，那天晚上做了一次切片，從喉嚨伸入一個內視鏡 ，穿過胃進到腸子，將探針伸進胰臟，取了一些腫瘤細胞出來。 我打了鎮靜劑�= ��不醒人事，但是我老婆在場。她後來跟我說，當醫生們用顯 微鏡看過那些細胞後，他們都哭了，因為那是非常少見的一種胰臟癌，可以 用手術治好。所以我接受了手術，康復了。（聽眾B C掌） 這是我最接近死亡的時候，我希望那會繼續是未來幾十年內最接近的一次。 經歷此事後，我可以比先前死亡只是純粹想像時，要能更肯定地告訴你們下 面這些：沒有人想死。即使那些想上天堂的人，也想活著上天堂。（聽眾笑） 但是死亡是我們共同的終點，沒有人逃得過。這是註定的，因為死亡很可能 就是生命中最棒的發明，是生命交替的媒介，送走老人們，給新生代開出道 路。 現在你們是新生代，但是不久的將來，你們也會逐漸變老，被送=E 5人生的舞 台。抱歉講得這麼戲劇化，但是這是真的。 你們的時間有限，所以不要浪費時間活在別人的生活裡。 不要被教條所侷限-- 盲從教條就是活在別人思考結果裡。 不要讓別人的意見淹沒了你內在的心聲。最重要的，擁有追隨自己內心與直 覺的勇氣，你的內心與直覺多少已經知道你真正想要成為什麼樣的人（have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become），任何其他事物都是 次要的。（聽眾鼓掌） 在我年輕時，有本神奇的雜誌叫做《Whole Earth=2 0Catalog》，當年這可 是我們的經典讀物。那是位住在離這不遠的Menlo Park的Stewart Brand 發行的，他把雜誌辦得很有詩意。 那是1960年代末期，個人電腦跟桌上出版還沒出現，所有內容都是打字機、 剪刀跟拍立得相機做出來的。雜誌內容有點像印在紙上的平面Google，在 Google 出現之前35年就有了：這本雜誌很理想主義，充滿新奇工具與偉大 的見解。 Stewart 跟他的團隊出版了好幾期的《Whole Earth Catalog》，然後很 自然的，最後出了停刊號。當時是1970 年代中期，我正是你們現在這個年 =E 9的時候。在停刊號的封底，有張清晨鄉間小路的照片，那種你四處搭便車 冒險旅行時會經過的鄉間小路。在照片下印了行小字： 求知若飢，虛心若愚（Stay Hungry , Stay Foolish）。 那是他們親筆寫下的告別訊息，我總是以此自許。當你們畢業，展開新生活 ，我也以此祝福你們。 求知若飢，虛心若愚（Stay Hungry , Stay Foolish）。 非常謝謝大家。（聽眾起立鼓掌二分鍾）

Sex and computer

> A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
> English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
> 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
> 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
> A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
>
> Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
> groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
> computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked
> to give four reasons for its recommendation.
>
> The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
> feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
>
> 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
>
> 2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
> incomprehensible to everyone else;
>
> 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
> possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to
> one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for
> it.
>
> (THIS GETS BETTER!)
>
> The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
> ('el computador'), because:
>
> 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
>
> 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
>
> 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
> ARE the problem; and
>
> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
> little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
>
> The women won.
>

Greatest thinkers on earth

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester?

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris?

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:-Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party?

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one.. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The .?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY Show
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er .
Leslie: He makes bread .
Contestant: Er . ..
Leslie: He makes cakes .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific?

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er... ... er... three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan?
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood:20It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . ..
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .. .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia?

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the Revenue Canada office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,

Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure Revunue Canada finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Meet Marvin

Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine Men strike back!? How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. -------------------------------------------- --------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' ----------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ----------------------------------------------------------? If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. -- -------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men? Until they can walk down the street with a bald head And a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------ Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and To the select few women who can handle it! AND MAXINE SAYS..............'MARVIN'... Maxine just had to have the last word.

GM new car

The new GM proudly

introduces the 2010 Obama ....

This car runs on hot air and broken promises. It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns.

It comes complete with two Teleprompters programmed to help the occupants talk their way out of any violations.

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces of all the "happy" Democrat owners.

Is China manipulating currency?

It is partly true that Chinese manipulate the currency. However, it has no effect on American export to China (explain later). As American culture (or all others too), it is easy to blame others than ourselves: it is nothing wrong with our government and our citizens (both are big spenders and fight the wars we cannot afford), but the ‘evil’ Chinese.

- Chinese currency and I think Hong Kong too were basically pegged with US’s, so it would not affect import/export with currency fluctuations. Now, it is pegged mainly with US and EU.

- Most countries would like to increase the value of its own currency. If you borrow from me with my country’s currency and it increases its value by 10%, you need to pay me 10% more with your own currency.

For the same scenario, I can buy your country’s assets (like land, factories…) 10% cheaper.

- The drawback. It discourages import from US to China in theory if Chinese currency is adjusted to the market.

It is not true as US and China are perfect trade partners. The majority of Chinese goods are of cheap, low-cost consumer products and US goods are of high-tech and agricultural products … In a sentence, they do not compete with each other in general.

China keeps the currency close to US, so it has to eat their profits by reducing jobs loss. The US consumers benefit by low cost consumer goods. It is not true if you argue the jobs would stay in US. With the US high salary, it would go to other developing countries if not go to China. So, it is a win-win situation for US.

- One way is go back to the gold standard that was removed by US. Basically your currency value is adjusted by the gold reserve in your central bank.

哪一個老婆比較厲害

> 老婆一夜未睡。
> 第二天來到一家私人偵探社，甩下2000元，委託私家偵探收集花心丈夫出軌的所有證據。過了一周，老公收到一張法院的傳票，老婆起訴要離婚。最後丈夫被判決敗訴，房子、財產1/2盡歸老婆。
> ------>這是個美國老婆。
>
>
> 老婆一夜未睡。
> 第二天，老婆上午到美髮店做個離子燙，下午做面膜，到情趣商 店買套性感內衣。晚上在家準備一個燭光晚餐，一共花費四百元。老公晚上回到家後，看到美麗性感的老婆，驚訝得嘴裏可以放下一個雞蛋，深悔自己有眼無珠。並發誓一輩子不會讓老婆離開自己。
> 一周後，老婆寫了一篇題為【我怎樣留住了我得花心老公？】的文章，並在雜誌上發表，還得了五百元稿費。
> ------>這是個法國老婆。

> 老婆一夜沒睡。

> 第二天，老婆打扮得花枝招展，給初戀情人打了一個電話：喂，還記得我嗎？我很寂寞，我今天晚上有空...... 於是老公在外面繼續瀟灑，老婆在家裏私會情人，井水不犯河水，相安無事。
>
> ------>這是個英國老婆。